My partnership is helping me heal in all sorts of surprising and challenging ways. First of all, when I love the man I am with and not the man I think he should be, I always feel more accepting of myself, and vice versa. When I am more accepting of myself, my man is even more adorable. He is amazing. The story I tell myself at these times is that his presence in my life is truly a gift.
We were wounded in relationship and we heal in relationship.
This I believe. I also believe in the power of pouring energy into upriver nurturance as much as possible vs. using precious life energy in downriver clean-up. I can tend to my relationships with positive exchanges, bids for connection, and building a culture of appreciation. In all my relations. I can break the legacy of wounding that rears up from a scared, lonely person.
“Love is the extremely difficult realization that something other than oneself is real. Love…is the discovery of reality.”
—Iris Murdoch
Waiting for others to change and circumstances beyond my control to be just so in order to heal and be happy was a vicious cycle. It was exhausting. It didn’t get me where I wanted to be…a place of unconditional love, respect, and understanding.
We all have these moments. It is part of the human condition. But I no longer need to perpetuate the cycle of drama/trauma by reacting to life that is done to me. Then I feel caught in a vicious cycle; the guilt/shame, apologize/forgive, and blow-up/repair.
It is the season to reflect on love. As a couple’s coach, I am reflecting on the following inspiring points from an Imago International Conference Embodied Therapist training to help break from this seemingly familiar cycle:
Remind Old Brain
1. This is my Beloved (my husband)
2. Seeing this person as an enemy is a choice
3. Interdependence is NOT DEATH.
4. It takes gas to move a car forward (or it takes a lithium battery). Positive energy must be present to move forward.
5. Clearing up my side of the street performs miracles.
6. Change is a constant in life. Relationship requires the ability to adapt to the world of change.
7. In order to adapt to the world of change we need these skills:
- letting go
- resilience
- humor
- non-judgment
- appreciation
- compassion
- wonder
- curiosity
- acceptance
Can I tend and befriend myself, in every moment, with gentle curiosity and tenderness?
Maybe not in every moment (that is the perfectionist in me leaking out). But when I do lose loving contact with myself, my husband, and/or my sons, how quickly and gracefully can I return to the peace that passes all understanding? How can I once again return to self-compassion?
Tapping the vehicle of my breath as a guide home; reminding my old brain, “I’m okay, I’m safe, I’m loved, right here, right now.” When I do this with myself, it is putting that message out in the universe that this moment is enough. This breath is enough.
It is the return to gratitude that builds the foundation for satisfying relationships and a life worth living. When I am grateful, I feel full, I feel complete, I feel whole.
The invitation is to allow your life to get B I G G E R!