Amy Elizabeth Gordon, MA | Page 19 of 20

August 25, 2018August 25, 2018

Our kuleana, our responsibility, is for higher love; conscious connection

Our kuleana, our responsibility, is to be true to ourselves, so that we can be true to others, When we inhabit our lives fully, enjoy our own embodied presence, then we can show up in conscious connection. From here, we can be amazing partners and feel higher love.

Relational responsibility takes work

Our romantic relationship cycled through lust, attraction and attachment, all the way into a satisfying long-term marriage. The romantic phase gave us the juice to experience the transformative power of love. For us it started hot, it burned wildly, and it still keeps us warm inside. Our marriage and our mutual commitment provide the most rewarding opportunity to grow and heal; to give and receive love. It is our responsibility to show up and do this.

We’re really expecting a lot from our romantic partners

On one hand we want stability in our partner. Reliability, predicable safety and security.

On the other hand, we want a sense of fresh aliveness. Wild, erotic, new, mysterious wonder and amazement.

In one person!

Esther Perel, an erotic desire expert, explores this conundrum in her groundbreaking work on couples and partnerships. She explores the crisis of desire by asking, “can we love what we already have?”

Check out her book Mating in Captivity or her many TED Talks if you want more about this or her blog here https://estherperel.com/blog/let-go-of-being-the-perfect-partner

Instead of looking for the right partner, we become the right partner

Many couples cycle through the romantic phase and wind up in the power struggle phase only to split up because the illusion of finding the perfect partner which fuels the search for someone better. When we want perfection, we fall in love with the potential of someone (and ourselves). We tell ourselves we will be okay only if he changes.

In early power struggle stages, I often blamed my husband. It wasn’t until I took 100% responsibility for my 50% of the dynamic that awareness blossomed. Responsibility, kuleana, is essential in committed relationships.

Shift your focus. Your kuleana is you first. Look within. Just do you. Be comfortable in your own skin. From here, just do your partner. I take responsibility for my own happiness. I manufacture my own misery whenever I want my husband to be different than he is. It typically happens when I want myself to be different than I am. It’s a contagion. It fuels the power struggle.

Make it safe, connect, and feel the joy

Communication breeds safety for more vulnerable expression of desires, preferences and dislikes. Sex gets better when we express our needs, our desires, both in the bedroom and outside. More intimacy, in-to-me-see, more pleasure. When I give and receive in all aspects of our relationship, I am more free to give and receive while making love. It’s so yummy.

The sex of long term committed relationship blows my mind! The juice from our mutual integrity and commitment fueled with the curiosity and mystery of the continual evolution of self and other is enticing. Remember, conscious partnership is recognizing we are not me. Incompatibility is really good news. See this blog for more https://amyelizabethgordon.com/incompatibility-is-good-news/

We fall in love with our own wholeness

From our embodied presence, we recognize differences with curiosity instead of struggle. If we spot it we got it–all those things we love about our partner (and all the things we despise). Our lost self, our hidden self, and our disowned self integrate back to a natural place of wholeness.

We experience relaxed joyfulness and calm abiding

August 19, 2018August 19, 2018

Incompatibility is good news

Incompatibility in marriage is a common complaint. It implies the inability of harmonious coexistence and fuels the power struggle. Yet most relationships have some level of incompatibility. I know mine does, and we have harmonious coexistence much of the time.

A basic tenet of truth in partnership is we are not me. When I remember this catchy phrase, I open my eyes to new perspectives. Eliminating differences is a futile waste of my precious life force. Alternatively, seeing new perspectives is invigorating and affirming.

Incompatibility is good news

It can help me heal old wounds, therefore it’s not a death sentence to relationships.

My relationship is solid, we’ve been through a lot, we adore each other, and, despite all that, my default is fear. That is the predictable hell I can land in sometimes. I know this familiar ache of loneliness, deeply.

My Imago Mentor Maya Kollman taught me a really mind-blowing idea:

Couples would rather live in a predictable hell than have a taste of heaven and lose it.

Here’s a recent example of how this shows up in our marriage. Away for a week, I returned home to find my paintings moved to another room. I scanned the environment in a hyper vigilant fashion, looking for clues of whether I was welcome or not.

I asked my husband, “Do you even want me here?” Based on this one observation: He had moved my paintings. Period. (I wanted my paintings in our bedroom, he didn’t).

My fear response: I concluded he didn’t want me here. Ouch. (He wanted neutral decor for awhile and he had left me a love note to tell me this). This default place of the familiar fear of feeling unwanted is so very old.

If my reaction is hysterical, it is probably historical.

Am I wanted?

This a default worrisome thought that gets triggered in times of stress, transition, and reconnection.

If I resist it, it persists. If I name it, I tame it.

My birth story in 5 short sentences:

My mom birthed four boys.

A major historical event, man landing on the moon, brought my parents into baby-making space together once again.

Despite birth control; pregnancy.

They loved me dearly and would probably never admit that I was unwanted.

But truth be told, I wasn’t planned.

This prenatal vibe may indeed color how I see myself in the world. With this awareness, I soften to myself and share my vulnerability with my husband. I heal the old wound through our difference of opinion of where the paintings hang. Willing to see things in a fresh perspective, I let go of the predictable hell and experience a new freedom.

For more information

Please check out the founders of Imago Relationship Theory. Harville and Helen Hendrix broke the ground for a new relational paradigm. In fact, they propose that incompatibility is grounds for marriage! Check out their website — which offers 3 free books — an amazing resource. https://harvilleandhelen.com/books/making-marriage-simple/

August 13, 2018

Believe in the power of love

Why love matters is beyond simple description. Falling in love entices my embodied presence in incredible ways. Feeling powerful, free of pain, invincible and higher than high is an amazing life experience. Yet this experience eventually fizzles out; it’s not sustainable.

We can chase it; we can’t contain it.

Romantic love, and the stories I tell myself about it, pull me higher than I’ve ever been before and push me into deep funks.

Love is a powerful force indeed

In the early stages of our romance, we felt the chemical swirl of feel-good hormones and daring behaviors. The hot and steamy seduction connected us deeply. The pursuit of these passions dominated our days.

Then came the mental wrestling match: Is this really happening? Is this okay? Is this the right time? What about _____ (fill in the blank)? All of this mental meandering resulted in the back and forth, together/apart dance of our relationship.

You know what I’m talking about?

Then came the subsequent surrender. I fell, in love, hard. Hooked on the drug of love. Biological imperatives called the shots; we were hooked.

From here all things are possible

And it was complicated. There was a lot going on in graduate school as these flames of passion licked our beings. Rarely is falling in love a clean situation. Other people are often involved. Difficult decisions determine the future.

During the lulls, the resultant longing and disappointment sometimes made me hurt so much I would wish I’d never even engaged. My body’s wisdom knew this man could heal me in ways I couldn’t on my own. My body’s wisdom knew we would create amazing things together.

Surrendering to the wisdom of my body, I committed to the relationship. I quit stirring the worry pot and I let the mental meanderings settle, my soul softening to the moment.

Romance reminds me of my meditation practice

In romance, I’m falling in love with my wholeness. I see my wholeness when I look in my beloved’s eyes. I think it’s outside of me. It’s not. In meditation I am searching for my wholeness. I think it’s outside of me. I realize it’s not.

In romance I feel blissed out; I can experience this in meditation also.

My mind, left unchecked, bounces back and forth between things I want more of and things I want less of. I praise people or I blame them (including myself). It is a dizzying game of push and pull. This game creates suffering.

This doesn’t get me where I want to go. I’m basically manufacturing my own misery.

Romance can do this, too, but we oftentimes stay stuck in blaming the other person.

When my mind is freed of the burden of attraction and revulsion, I’m free to settle into the moment. Fresh moment. New awareness. Joy and freedom. This is the joyful journey I’ve discovered in my primary love relationship. I’ve moved beyond push and pull, for the most part, and settled into sustainable sweet connection. We recalibrate back to this again and again. I believe in the power of love.

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. Lao Tzu

July 31, 2018

Resolving Conflict Through Repair: Hoʻoponopono

I’m letting go of the notion that I’ll never hurt someone’s feelings. I invite you to do the same. I’ve lived with that intention and it didn’t get me healthier relationships.

In the past, I’ve walked on egg shells in the hopes I wouldn’t offend you. Twisting this way and that, try as I might, I simply couldn’t please everyone, all the time.

I’m happy to report that I’ve let go off this intention. I invite you to do the same. You know how slimy it feels when someone is trying to please you, yes? Naturally, the more I give myself space to be me, not who I think you want me to be, the more I can also cut you some slack and encourage you to be you.

Still, despite our best intentions, conflict happens. We hurt each other. There is a rupture in the space between, even with both of us being ourselves.

Some of the most important indicators a healthy relationship have to do with the intensity of the hurt/rupture and the immediacy of the repair.

We want less intensity and more immediate repair. We want to be tuned into each other from a place of self-acceptance.

Hurt people hurt people. The intensity can be severe, the repair non-existent, and then the frequency quite often. We must heal.

When (not if) I hurt someone, I feel a shift in my body. I have a choice to react or respond. Today I choose, as much as I can, to respond. When I have this response-ability, I can often stop myself from saying or doing something regretful.

I calm myself down by taking a few deep breaths, and use my body as a guide for staying present in the moment. This lessens the intensity of the rupture/conflict. Deep breathing heals.

I remind myself gently it’s okay to feel uncomfortable. This, too, shall pass. I tend to myself with self-compassion. Later I walk or maybe take a hot bath.

In the past, I ran from discomfort which only fanned the flames of negativity. It didn’t resolve the issues at hand. I’d be caught in the eddy of guilt and swallowed in the quicksand of shame. This was way worse that eggshell walking I mentioned earlier.

Guilt reminds me I did something wrong and I do what I can to fix it. It can be my teacher. I can get out of the eddy and get back into the flow of life.

Shame tells me I am something wrong and I truly believe it is toxic. It can be my tormentor. It’s an inside job, healing the shame; a job I find incredibly worthwhile.

Many people are conflict avoidant, they don’t want to hurt or be hurt. I haven’t seen that work too well. The negative energy builds up and growth gets truncated. Remember, conflict is growth trying to happen. It’s kinda like the birth canal. Dark and dank and sometimes terrifying, we can come out on the other side of conflict stronger and healthier.

Think of welding, the process actually strengthens the bond. Let’s become unbreakable. The beautiful opportunity to repair the space between is a skill we as humans must learn because we’re not perfect. And we can’t expect ourselves to be.

In Hawaiʻi, there is a beautiful relationship healing practice called hoʻoponopono. Hoʻoponopono means to correct. Pono means excellence, wellbeing, true condition or nature. To return to this sense of well-being is the spirit behind this traditional practice.

These are the essential ingredients needed in resolving conflict through repair:

I’m sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

I love you.

Isn’t that enough?

July 27, 2018March 30, 2021

Faith and Developing a Buddha Brain

Developing a Buddha Brain one simple practice at a time. Without faith in the world and in yourself, life feels shaky and scary. Rick Hanson, PhD, neuropsychologist, tells us why faith is important.

Try a little experiment: in your mind or out loud, complete this sentence a few times: “I have faith in __________.” Then complete another sentence a few time: “I have no faith in _________.” What do faith–and no faith–feel like?

In your experience of faith, there’s probably a sense of trusting in something — which makes sense since the word comes from the Latin root, “to trust.” (“Faith” can also mean a religion, but my meaning here is more general.) Faith feels good. To have confidence is to have faith; “con+fide” means “with+faith.”

Faith comes from direct experience, reason, trusted sources, and sometimes from something that just feels deeply right and that’s all you can say about it. You could have faith in both biological evolution and heaven. Sometimes faith seems obvious, like expecting water to yield each time you prepare to dive in; other times, faith is more of a conscious choice–an act of faith–such as choosing to believe that your child will be all right as he or she leaves home for college.

What do you have faith in–out there in the world or inside yourself?

For example, I have faith in the sun coming up tomorrow, my partner while rock climbing, science or scholarship, the kindness of strangers, the deliciousness of peaches, the love of my wife, God, and the desire of most people to live in peace. And faith in my determination, coffee-making skills, and generally good intentions.

In your brain, faith (broadly defined to include assumptions and expectations) is an efficient way to conserve neural resources by not figuring out things each time from scratch. The visceral sense of conviction in faith integrates prefrontal logic, limbic emotion, and brainstem arousal.

Without faith in the world and in yourself, life feels shaky and scary.

Faith grounds you in what’s reliable and supportive; it’s the antidote to doubt and fear. It strengthens you and supports you in weathering hard times. It helps you stay on your chosen paths, with confidence they will lead to good places. Faith fuels the hope and optimism that encourage the actions that lead to the results that confirm your faith, in a lovely positive cycle. Faith lifts your eyes to the far horizons, toward what’s sacred, even Divine.

This is chapter 16, Have Faith, in Rick Hanson’s gem of a book entitled, Just One Thing, developing a buddha brain one simple practice at a time

Visit him https://www.rickhanson.net/

Buddha's Brain book — Buddha’s Brain : Rick Hanson

Join us Saturday, April 3 at noon Pacific for this exploration of faith

trust + focus + repair = faith

Amy E is inviting you to a scheduled Zoom meeting.

Topic: Monthly Variety Hour on What Matters Most in Relational Health

Join Zoom Meeting

July 20, 2018July 21, 2018

Focus and Finish and Feel the Joy

How do I focus? I begin with lovingkindness meditation. How do I finish? I pace myself by setting 3 most important things per day. Let’s be clear, these are things I can focus on, things in my hula hoop. Lovingkindness and focus on self brings more skillful means with others.

Then I’m not focused on the things my husband is or isn’t doing, or anyone else for that matter. I shine the light of mindfulness on what is surrounding me. Period. Then I’m way more loving and a lot less judging.

staying in my own hula hoop is important

Setting my twenty minute timer is changing my life.

“Siri, set timer for twenty minutes.” This is my most frequent phone request. I use it for writing, for yoga, for walking, for cleaning; it is a great gentle kick in the pants, I can then bust a move. A true momentum builder, because once I do one thing, I’m charged up for more.

I can do anything for twenty minutes.

Narrowing the window of time with which I measure things means I’m way more focused, therefore I finish way more things. Oftentimes I feel way more joy.

My life is riddled with good intentions and at times, they create high-strung intensity and overwhelm. These are wake up calls to me to focus on what matters most. Inhale. Exhale. Pace.

My habitual frenzy of activity isn’t getting me where I want to be. Calm. Lovable. Loving. I tend to over-commit and under-deliver.

Many of us believe there is not enough time, and this causes internal conflict. I must make the right choice, now! I must finish my to-do list! Therefore, I take on too much responsibility and too much busyness and self-care takes a back seat to striving.

A life spent striving leads to a life of strife.

What matters most to me is the quality of my relationships. I give twenty minutes of undivided attention (read: no devices) to my beloveds and it fertilizes the space between us. Sharing a cup of tea without distraction infuses premium love to my relationship.

Slowing down to the transitions of the day, celebrating good morning with a snuggle, good-bye with a kiss, greeting with a kindness, and goodnight with a gratitude. Focus and finish and feel the joy.

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