Amy Elizabeth, Master of Arts

My partnership is helping me heal in all sorts of surprising and challenging ways. First of all, when I love the man I am with and not the man I think he should be, I always feel more accepting of myself, and vice versa. When I am more accepting of myself, my man is even more adorable. He is amazing. The story I tell myself at these times is that his presence in my life is truly a gift.

We were wounded in relationship and we heal in relationship.

This I believe. I also believe in the power of pouring energy into upriver nurturance as much as possible vs. using precious life energy in downriver clean-up. I can tend to my relationships with positive exchanges, bids for connection, and building a culture of appreciation. In all my relations. I can break the legacy of wounding that rears up from a scared, lonely person.

“Love is the extremely difficult realization that something other than oneself is real. Love…is the discovery of reality.”

—Iris Murdoch

Waiting for others to change and circumstances beyond my control to be just so in order to heal and be happy was a vicious cycle. It was exhausting. It didn’t get me where I wanted to be…a place of unconditional love, respect, and understanding.

We all have these moments. It is part of the human condition. But I no longer need to perpetuate the cycle of drama/trauma by reacting to life that is done to me. Then I feel caught in a vicious cycle; the guilt/shame, apologize/forgive, and blow-up/repair.

It is the season to reflect on love. As a couple’s coach, I am reflecting on the following inspiring points from an Imago International Conference Embodied Therapist training to help break from this seemingly familiar cycle:

Remind Old Brain

1. This is my Beloved (my husband)

2. Seeing this person as an enemy is a choice

3. Interdependence is NOT DEATH.

4. It takes gas to move a car forward (or it takes a lithium battery). Positive energy must be present to move forward.

5. Clearing up my side of the street performs miracles.

6. Change is a constant in life. Relationship requires the ability to adapt to the world of change.

7. In order to adapt to the world of change we need these skills:

letting go
resilience
humor
non-judgment
appreciation
compassion
wonder
curiosity
acceptance

Can I tend and befriend myself, in every moment, with gentle curiosity and tenderness?

Maybe not in every moment (that is the perfectionist in me leaking out). But when I do lose loving contact with myself, my husband, and/or my sons, how quickly and gracefully can I return to the peace that passes all understanding? How can I once again return to self-compassion?

Tapping the vehicle of my breath as a guide home; reminding my old brain, “I’m okay, I’m safe, I’m loved, right here, right now.” When I do this with myself, it is putting that message out in the universe that this moment is enough. This breath is enough.

It is the return to gratitude that builds the foundation for satisfying relationships and a life worth living. When I am grateful, I feel full, I feel complete, I feel whole.

The invitation is to allow your life to get B I G G E R!

Quality family life is a core value that my husband, my in-laws, my sons and I all share, which is great because we all share the same living space. This is one way I think we are social pioneers, instead of moving farther away from family, we decided to move from the Pacific Northwest to the middle of the Pacific; we moved in together. To share resources, to share challenges, to divide struggles and multiply joys. To get real, raw, and vulnerable in the space between. It is a spiritual practice that we tend to on a daily basis.

One clear example of quality family life is that we eat dinner together, do chores together, and don’t have media or devices at the meal table.

Light, Bright, and Polite

Recently my husband and I attended a “social media safety” workshop at my older son’s middle school. The concerned parents in the crowd held their collective breath with the dangers lurking in the www. We were taught to teach our kids to be Light, Bright, and Polite in their social media postings.

I often wonder how much media messes with all of us. It is rewiring our brain. I am eager to learn how to use social media to be a force for good. Does that mean we must be light, bright, and polite at all times (and all costs?) There is a place for it, certainly. And I am not advocating for emotional nudity.

Our 13 year still does not have a cell phone or fb account. I want him to feel alive, connected, and aware of all of life’s opportunities, not just the virtual ones that are “light, bright, and polite.” Presently, he finds this connection in face to face connections.

Real, Raw, and Vulnerable

By being real, raw, and vulnerable in the space between I am creating safety and integrity, which I genuinely value over being light, bright, and polite. How to integrate the positive lessons in each approach is a worthy exploration.

Real. I tell the truth.

Because I lack a poker face, I communicate widely (and wildly) through my gestures, facial expressions and energy field.

Raw. I don’t wear armor.

I allow myself to be tenderized by the world. What is the difference between raw and vulnerable? Raw is uncooked. Am I uncooked? Perhaps so. I can be juicy and tender, succulent and sweet.

Vulnerable. I open my heart/mind.

When I am in this place I feel pliable and flexible. Notice I don’t say susceptible or weak. Rather, I am willing to shift my views, to open myself to the experience of the other person, and to attune to the present moment, without pretense or defense. Vulnerability is an expression of strength. It exudes trust, confidence, and safety. I love it.

I do my level best to foster calm, genuine, lovingkindness. This is a byproduct of being real, raw, and vulnerable. I am one to get stuff going. I am a catalyst. An initiator. And I try to be kind.

And allow space and consideration for others to be real, raw, and vulnerable, too.

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We’re wounded in relationship, we heal in relationship