The Birth of Real Love
[As a certified Imago Relationship Therapist, and as a wife of nearly 20 years, I vow to create conscious partnerships in my life and my work. I owe a debt of gratitude to Harville & Helen and invite you to check out their work below and find an Imago Professional near you. Reach out to me for in-person retreats in Hawaii and/or if you are comfortable doing Zoom sessions. Relational health is an extraordinarily wise investment. Aloha, Amy]
Guest blog: Harville & Helen Hendrix:
The Birth of Real Love
When we fall in love, suddenly we see life in technicolor. We nibble each other’s ears and tell each other everything; our limitations and rigidities melt away. We’re sexier, smarter, funnier, more giving. Now we feel whole, we feel like ourselves, we are connected.
But inevitably–whether we marry or move in together– things just start to go wrong. The veil of illusion falls away, and it seems that our partners are different than we thought they were. It turns out they have qualities that we can’t bear. Even qualities we once admired grate on us. Old hurts are reactivated as we realize that our partners cannot or will not love and care for us as they promised. Our dream shatters and we feel disconnected.
Disillusionment turns to anger.
Since our partner no longer willingly give us what we need, we change tactics, trying to coerce our partners into caring–through anger, crying, withdrawal, shame, intimidation, criticism–whatever works. The power struggle has begun, and may go on for many years, until we split, or we settle into an uneasy truce living often parallel lives, or until we seek help, desperate to feel alive again, to have our dream back and feel reconnected.
What we need to understand and accept is that conflict is supposed to happen. This is as nature intended it: everything in nature has a polarity and is in tension. The hard truth is that the grounds for marriage is really incompatibility; it is the norm for relationships. Conflict needs to be understood as a given, a sign that the psyche is trying to survive, to get its needs met, and paradoxically, to restore feeling connected. It’s only without this knowledge that conflict is destructive.
Romantic love is supposed to end.
It is the glue that initially bonds two incompatible people together to do what needs to be done to heal each other, and in the process, heal the rifts in nature caused by our earlier experiences. The good news is that the power struggle is also supposed to end. The emotional bond that is created by romantic love to keep partners together through the hard times evolves into a powerful organic bond through the process of resolving conflict. This is our opportunity to move from an Unconscious Relationship to a Conscious Relationship.
A Conscious Relationship is not for the faint-hearted, for it requires learning more effective coping mechanisms than the crying or anger or withdrawal which have become so habitual for us. It means reconnecting through Dialogue, stretching to give our partners what they need to heal.
This is not easy, but it works.
Regardless of what we may believe, relationships are not born of love, but of need; real love is born in relationships. You are already with your dream partner, but at the moment, he or she is in disguise. A Conscious Relationship itself is the therapy you need to restore your sense of aliveness and connectivity and set you on the path of real love.
[As a certified Imago Relationship Therapist, and as a wife of nearly 20 years, I vow to create conscious partnerships in my life and my work. I owe a debt of gratitude to Harville & Helen and invite you to check out their work below and find an Imago Professional near you. Reach out to me for in-person retreats in Hawaii and/or if you are comfortable doing Zoom sessions. Relational health is an extraordinarily wise investment. Aloha, Amy]
About Harville and Helen
Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph. D are partners in life and work. Together, they have written over 10 books, including three New York Times bestsellers. Harville and Helen co-created Imago Relationship Therapy to promote the transformation of couples and families by creating relational cultures that support universal equality.
| Imago Relationships Worldwide Talk. Listen. Connect Getting the love you want, keeping the love you find and connecting securely and deeply with your partner, these are the goals of Imago Relationship Therapy. We can help you to resolve conflict while staying connected. Deepening intimacy in a safe space invites vulnerability. Communicating effectively with your partner is key to maintaining a long and rewarding relationship. Sharing a life together means meeting and conquering obstacles as a couple while expressing uncertainties and frustrations constructively. Imago professionals offer therapy and educational workshops for individuals and couples throughout the world. |
| For more information on Imago therapists, workshops or trainings worldwide, please visit www.ImagoRelationships.org. |