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Tree of Sorrow

Sorrow and grief arise this time of year as the leaves fall more readily and nights darken more quickly. Dominant culture invites frivolity and feasting, yet let us not forget time to contemplate the darkness within and without as well. It’s both, and.

Tree of Sorrow

This is a story of the tree of sorrow, as I remember it.

In the center of the village, stood a tree.

On this tree people hung their sorrows and regrets and challenges.

The people walked around this huge tree, and gazed at all of the sorrows and struggles. Circumambulating and contemplating.

Asked to select something from the tree, people invariably picked a struggle familiar to them, known to them, and something worth healing; their own lives.

Take home: own your story, change the ending, choose thriving over striving. 

And from Mary Oliver,

The Uses of Sorrow

(In my sleep I dreamed this poem)

 

Someone I loved once gave me
a box full of darkness.

It took me years to understand
that this, too, was a gift.

 

And finally, from Rumi,

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

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Be the Change You Want

Being the Miracle You Are

What is the change you want in your relationships? Take ownership for your part in the nightmare. Empower yourself to be the change you want (in your relationships, in the world). Less bickering? Stop your bickering.

More sex? Make yourself approachable and slink into the sexy neighborhood in your mind. Turn towards your beloved more often than you turn away.

Less negativity? Find what’s working in your life and set up camp there. Perhaps only daring into the dark woods of dangerous debate when you are finding the common purpose; the pure intention driving you.

This brings me to the point. Find purpose. Live with intention.

Be the change you want to see in your relationships

This year for Halloween I dressed up as a miracle. An angel dress, sparkly make-up, and an inner glow lit me up on the dark night of disguises. Too tuckered to be creative, I relaxed into the easy costume selection. Be myself. A sober woman of integrity. It is a true miracle that I am 30 years practicing yoga, 24 years sober, and 16 years married. I am grateful beyond measure. It’s miraculous when I look at where I’ve been and where I am now.

As I’m typing this I’m barking at my son for not putting the dishes away sooner. I paused and re-read the top line, apologized for my bickering, and repaired the rupture quickly. Another miracle. I don’t linger in resentments toward self or others.

Want to know a quick trick to get clear what you’re really taking a stand for in your life?

What costume you put on in the morning?

In an interview this week, I heard the brilliant prompt: if you woke up tomorrow and everything you’ve ever done or said or written were somehow wiped clean, what would you write down as your three truths?

Here’s what I came up with immediately:

  1. Heal addictions that rob your soul of the beauty of the present moment.
  2. Heal relationships with Self, Other, Spirit — this is the S.O.S. of our times.
  3. Contemplate grace daily, for me, this is spending time outdoors in yoga and meditation.

Comment below and share your 3 truths. What we share gains strength and sustenance. Mahalo.

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Sacred Kanaloa

calm in the eye of the storm

My soul’s exposure to the raw, primal, spiritual energy of the most sacred of all of the Hawaiʻi Islands, Kahoʻolawe, is something I treasure as sacred. Sacred like this wiliwili tree on the island that survived the storms and the bombs. Presently, there are so many storms swirling about in the world, relationally, environmentally, socially. To be the calm in the eye of the storm is my mission in life.

A force for good

Let me back up a bit. My entire life I have felt compelled to make this world a better place. I have volunteered in beach clean-ups, tree plantings, trail maintenance, and political protests to preserve our planet. Yet I find most of my toils happen in the energetic realm of personal relationships. How can I be a force for good, be a part of the solution vs. feeding the paranoia of the human mind?

Halau ‘Ohiʻa

Joining Halau ‘Ohiʻa, a unique professional development opportunity, and engaging with our landscape through Hawaiʻi lifeways, positions me to learn more about this. This is the group of folks I went with to the remote island that was a previous target for military bombing. My classmates are primarily employed with natural resource management. My natural resource management has to do with managing our selves, our breath, and our relationships. Together, we are foundational to the well-being of the landscape. Together, we learn skills we can apply to our professional and personal lives.

Kahoʻolawe, also known as Kanaloa

We engaged in proper protocol for this experience on Kahoʻolawe, also known as Kanaloa. Chanting in the transitions, we chant to ask permission to enter this sacred space as well as to leave this sacred space. We readied ourselves completely.

The uninhabited island of Kahoʻolawe: she is the place of hope in my mind. I feel blessed to go there. To repair the wrongs of humans. To give and receive the spiritual mana (power) of Kanaloa. She represents conflict between peace/war, life/death, cultural perpetuation/forced assimilation. She calls on all of us to reflect in natural great beauty.

“training for peace through destructive means”

She is ravaged by years of U.S. military bombing and “training for peace through destructive means.” She is evidence of one of the greatest travesties of government taking over and destroying, temporarily, the natural great beauty of our earth.

I want world peace. I am working on it one relationship at a time. It seems, the mark of progress is not that world looks like I would like it look, with respectable leaders and genuine aloha radiating in all directions, rather, it boils down to my relationship with myself. I have grown patience and calm. In the midst of the storm.

The calm in the eye of the storm

Is it futile to believe that if we all did this inner work we wouldn’t have such a devastating storm of moral bankruptcy on our hands?

Hungry ghost realm

We all want protection and safety. Let it be based on love and caring and mutual respect for the inherent worth and dignity of all human beings. I don’t want war, fighting, missiles. I don’t want to feed the insatiable hunger of the hungry ghost. Imagine a beast with a pencil-thin neck and bloated belly that never gets enough of whatever it thinks it is lacking, this is the hungry ghost. Therefore, because it thinks it is lacking, its hunger is never-ending, the root is fear.

Replace fear with faith

Let us replace the fear with faith and break the change of habitual hydraulics of our paranoid mind. May it be so.

 

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Reactivity Lessens in Three Simple Steps

reactivity & ownership of your part

Reactivity happens when you don’t have conscious connection to the present moment. Next thing you know you are hijacked by negativity. But you hate the hate. You can’t stand the familiar core scene of negativity that creeps up on a regular basis. It is a noxious weed that you try to pull out and it grows back with greater strength and annoying characteristics.

Sound familiar?

You are not alone

I hear from so many people that they want less criticism, less reactivity, less negativity in their interactions with others, particularly their significant others.

Let me tell you, it’s entirely possible to enjoy less strife in your life! Seriously. Here’s the secret, if you get big in your reactions, contain yourself. If you get small in your reactions, expand yourself.

In other words, do the opposite of what you usually might do when you feel triggered. You gotta have awareness of what you normally do in order to do it differently. Trust yourself that you can handle life’s stressful moments differently.

Three simple steps

  1. Take a breath. Pause before reacting.
  2. Imagine what it is your partner truly needs in this moment.
  3. Notice: do you need to contain or expand to add to the safety of the exchange.

Invite curiosity now–Leave shame, blame, and criticism in the closet–Permanently

Here’s a visual that helps many people, myself included, understand their reactivity patterns, their habits.

Turtles: minimize their energy, they pull in to protect, it looks like shutting down but it is really self-preservation. Partners who see this, do whatever you can to create safety for your turtle. Speak less, speak more quietly, offer a loving gesture. If you get bigger, he will shutdown. Own your part in this exchange.

Hailstorms: maximize their energy, they push out to understand, to project their discomfort out of themselves in the spirit of trying to connect. Partners who see this, do whatever you can to mirror, validate and empathize with your hailstorm. If you shut down, she will get bigger. Be curious of how to respond.

Get curious and take ownership for your part in the nightmare

Do what you can to promote safety. From safety comes core connection. From core connection comes greater intimacy, positivity, and a sense of deep love and belonging.

 

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Resourced vs. Overwhelmed

resourced vs overwhelmed

When was the last time you felt resourced? Peacefully energized and equipped to handle all that life has to offer, you rally to the present moment with positive enthusiasm and willingness to be of service.

When was the last time you felt overwhelmed? Quietly drained and dulled to despair, unable to deal with even one more thing, your plate holds too much and your cup runneth over, you crawl back in bed, defeated.

If you are like some of my coaching clients, the overwhelmed state is more familiar than the resourced frame of mind.

If that’s true, read on…

Identifying overwhelm

You’re up in the middle of the night because the to-do list screams at you.

When you want to help your boy with homework but the work emails snatch your attention.

Ironically, you then beat up on yourself for not getting stuff done or hanging out with your son on his day off, which only serves to overwhelm you more, it doesn’t motivate you.

What does feeling resourced mean

When you are “resourced,” you have energy to focus and finish on the task at hand, corresponding with the hat you are wearing.

Set a timer for 20 minutes and pat yourself on the back for keeping your commitment to yourself for getting it done.

Go outside and feel the power of the Rock, Sunrise, Wind, and Rain. These are all powers greater than yourself.

Enjoy the energetic exchange with the Rock and her steadfastness, with Sunrise and his new opportunity. with Wind and his desire to clear away the stuck energy, and with Rain and her nurturing presence. Whatever is going on outside, you can join forces with that energy and let it fill you up and leave your more resourced.

Rekindle your Spirit

A sobering truth told, “if you’re feeling overwhelmed, you’re not feeling God.” Well how in the heck do you do that, “feel God?”

A humbling truth told, my dear husband said to me, not long ago, “you make things so complicated.” What else can you do?

A simple truth told, you simply long to feel good, to feel God, and to be a force for good.  How can you do that?

You can indeed feel resourced and use those resources to be a force for good

You can quit feeling overwhelmed and start feeling God by allowing yourself to simplify focus to the present moment.

Set a timer for 20 minutes and focus on the moment in front of you.

Your kid is calling for you? Well then be mom for 20 minutes.

Your planner says chapter 7 rough draft due? Write your book for 20 minutes.

Perhaps your morning routine shines when you do your yoga practice first thing before the day gets away from you? Wake up and do yoga for 20 minutes.

Breathe in the sweetness of this moment

Take a breath. Connect inward. Go outside. Overcome overwhelm with harnessing the power of your mind. Use your mind to rekindle your Soul.

Allow yourself to be fully present

When we land lovingly in the present moment, our Soul smiles. Our soul is our manifestation of Spirit that surrounds us. We naturally soften to the situation at hand. We light up with positivity. Even if what is happening around us has the potential to overwhelm us! Don’t lose connection with grace.

Grace is God

Release of the pinch of powerlessness and you can feel powerful beyond measure. Focus on what matters most.

 

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Analysis Paralysis Cure

sunrise

Analysis Paralysis happens to all of us. We want to make the right decision to ensure the best possible outcome. Too many choices comprise the day. Big decisions, little decisions, all day long. Even what to watch on Netflix can be a big deal. And mustard? Forget about it… there are so many choices, stone-ground, dijon, yellow, pale ale, horseradish, and so on, my goodness, sometimes you just want mustard. Complaining about too many choices is a modern problem with an ancient solution.

People tell us to relieve stress we need to relax and take it easy. This is a great over-arching idea of life. But really, ask yourself, How do you do that?

Here’s how. You relax and take it easy in decision making; in the little things that comprise the furniture of our lives. Break free from overstimulated mental activity which gets you nowhere fast (analysis paralysis) and to taking one step in any direction.

Take a deep breath

Take a deep breath. And a longer exhale. Again. Do it 7 times. Then decide. Either way, decide, and carry on with your life.

The cure is the breath. The release comes from within you. Enjoy the liberation from analysis paralysis.

No right or wrong decision

What if you imagine there really is no right or wrong choice? Seriously. Feel that deep in your bones for a few moments. You are cutting yourself the ultimate slack.

Allow space for grace to enter and work in a way that is indeed miraculous.

When you drop into your intuition, you have more energy to take action.

“If you obsess over whether you are making the right decision, you are basically assuming that the universe will reward you for one thing and punish you for another.

The universe has no fixed agenda. Once you make any decision, it works around that decision. There is no right or wrong, only a series of possibilities that shift with each thought, feeling, and action that you experience.

If this sounds too mystical, refer again to the body. Every significant vital sign- body temperature, heart rate, oxygen consumption, hormone level, brain activity, and so on- alters the moment you decide to do anything… decisions are signals telling your body, mind, and environment to move in a certain direction.”

~Deepak Chopra, The Book of Secrets

Flip a coin

Yes, you heard me. Flip a coin. And notice your response to the outcome. Heads is about taking action. Tails is sitting and waiting. Sometimes deliberately waiting is the decision and taking no action can be the most powerful intervention at that time.

Call to action: Experiment with your life:

Embrace what comes.

Let go of what goes.

Don’t chase after anything.