Posted on

Intentional Dialogue Builds Bridges of Connection

bridge of connection
We communicate on levels way beyond words. Eighty percent of our communication is non-verbal, including glares, pheromones, facial wrinkles of genuine smiles, touching the nose during lies, and much more. Yet words have the power to hurt or heal.

Choose your words wisely, dear reader, they matter

Intentional dialogue is just that, words chosen wisely.
It’s about showing up with your whole Self, not just physically.
It’s also creating a safe and secure container for both people to interact.
Without interrupting the sender, asking questions, finishing each other’s sentence, checking messages, or mind-reading.

Build a Culture of Appreciation

Practice Intentional Dialogue in Sharing Appreciations.
Get really familiar with the process before using it to bring up hot topics.
Take deep belly breaths before, during, and after engaging in intentional dialogue.
Use the intentional dialogue to bring up a difficult subject instead of letting it fester.
Resource yourself so you can be fully present, to fully give as the sender, and freely receive as the receiver.

Set an Appointment

It is a good idea to make an appointment for the dialogue.

Once example is your partner might be taking the trash out and it might not be the best time to launch right into a dialogue.

Try this instead, “Iʻd like to have a dialogue with you where I share some appreciations with you, is now a good time?”

If it is not a good time, make an appointment for it within 24 hours. If it isnʻt scheduled, it doesn’t always happen.

Seeing your partner as an enemy is a choice

Look for places to stretch into a new way of being:
Do you have to react with suspicion when you feel triggered or can you remain open and curious?
Are you willing to let go of the knee-jerk reaction to see your partner as an enemy whenever there is conflict?
First of all, trust this process.
The safety and containment helps to lessen reactivity and negativity.
Second, use your breath to calm down whenever you feel triggered.

Third,  engage in intentional dialogue with your partner.

Instructions for Intentional Dialogue

Choose a sender and a receiver. Sender sends short bits of information; digestible chunks of information.

For example, “As I’m sitting here I’m experiencing some neck and shoulder tension from computer work today.”

Receiver mirrors what sender sent:

“Let me see if I’m getting you, what I hear you saying is …your body is talking to you after a long day at work.”

Receiver checks for accuracy:

“Am I getting you?”

Sender says “yes” or “You got part of what I said, what I really want you to hear is…my neck and shoulders hurt”

[We discourage the sender replying with “no, you’re not getting me” because this destroys the bridge of connection.]

Receiver asks,

“Is there more?“

After mirroring, over and over, move into validation:

Receiver: “You make sense to me, given what I know about you, and what makes sense is…”

Then move into empathy:

Receiver: “I imagine you might be feeling…”

Encouragements

Say these phrases with an open heart and active engagement. Put your phone away. Even having a smartphone in the room with you makes you dumber, meaning, you are less likely to be fully engaged. Make sure you are not hungry or tired.

Open  to hear that your partnerʻs experience in life may be very different from your own. Validation does NOT mean that you agree. You are simply acknowledging that the other person makes sense. We all make sense, and we all love to be validated.

  • When  triggered, simply say, “Let me see if Iʻm getting you, what I hear you saying is…”
  • The invitation is to be impeccable with your word. Don’t make assumptions.
  • Skillful communication builds bridges, eliminates walls (or perceived need for armor).
  • It honors the unique perspective of every person on the planet.
  • Invite others into your sovereign world and respectfully enter their worlds.
Build the bridge of connection now!
Please share your experience in the comments section below.
What is one dialogue you wish you could have and with whom?
Posted on

Space for Grace: Enter Here Now

Space for Grace

Are you tired of being tired? I was. In order to harness the energy required to tend to my amazing life and engage lovingly and consistently with my husband, I invited space for grace to enter. From this S.P.A.C.E. of Soft, Positive, Active, Clear Energy, I entered a state of grace, of calm abiding. Here, I found I am more approachable, more supple. I softened my gaze. I hugged my beloved until I more fully relaxed, experienced comfort in my own skin, and came home to myself.

Remember daily practices

Here’s what I do: Regularly drink water and stay hydrated. Deeply breathe into my heart center. Fully exhale what is no longer needed in this moment. Willingly inhale the sweetness of this moment, right here, right now.  Then, my friend, when I do these things, I’m stepping into Command Central of my nervous system. My relationship with myself thrives, and so does my marriage.

Imago training to reclaim my lost self

During a training in Imago Relational Theory, I had the great good fortune of experiencing a jewel of British Columbia, the amazing metropolis of Vancouver. Here I continued the journey of healing my relationship with myself and learned essential practices to enhance my relational health coaching practice.

Per my mentor’s request, I entered the world of my lost self. Thinking about my childhood and what messages I got, I remembered how I was not encouraged to do sports, to be strong, to be successful. I wasn’t told not to, I just wasn’t encouraged to. So I entered the space for grace, dressed up as Serena Williams, and reclaimed my lost self of a strong athletic and driven woman who can succeed beyond measure.

This was many moons ago. Now I am paddling, running, spinning and going to Chisel class at the gym twice a week. My daily practice of yoga, meditation, and writing are more consistent than ever. I am both soft and strong. Strong back, soft front. Both structurally sound and vulnerable. Both, and.

As far as success, it waits for me across the street. I hear it, clearly, chirping in a language I understand, GO NOW.

As my dear friend Molly would say, I’m a bad-ass mama. I am reclaiming my wholeness.

Here’s a poem I wrote while in B.C., with a few modern edits. Please enjoy. Invite space for grace to enter; now.

unburden my heart

unburden my heart as i embark on adventure

prepare to discover myself anew

how do i want to sound, look, feel, interact

with all that is around me

 

big trees towering

fresh beauty flowering

Vancouver, glorious

the humming of commuters

entering the tunnel after a long awaited pause

a birth canal to a new self

 

Self, now whole

reuniting parts forgotten

reclaiming parts of my lost self

welcome home

 

willing to strengthen

willing to soften

move, sweat, write, pray

daily

practicing a daily practice

i preach

 

i can do it

my senses alert

i see the tv across 13th street

blurry

no need to focus in there

i hear the chirp of the crosswalk saying, GO NOW

gently –in another language–

i smell the coffee in the corner shop

rousing

 

since the poetic thoughts while driving have evaporated

trust the process of condensation and precipitation

the cycle of water is steady

constant

reliable

trustworthy

 

soft

positive

active

clear

energy

 

always available

infinitely accessible

readily ready

open my heartmind to it now

long time manifest

 

this calm abiding

a result of inviting space for grace

to enter into my heart

and work in a way

that is indeed,

miraculous

 

therefore, no longer am i

an afterthought

to myself

i am claiming it all

having fun

relaxing

hanging out

visible

 

cheering

always cheering

for love

Posted on

Unlearning: Our commitment begins

Tuhoy, Tame Iti

Our unlearning begins when we release the strongly held inbuilt distrust of ourselves and each other. We must unlearn to relearn. Taking full responsibility for the vision of life we want, we uplift ourselves and the world. Our commitment to the vision begins.

These sentiments speak volumes to me of the integrity and grit of The Tūhoe people of Aoetearoa (otherwise known as New Zealand). They struggle with the costs of colonisation, with the depth of brokenness, with worry and despair.

And still, meeting with them, seeing their land, standing on the edge of civilization, and sharing our breath, was one of the most uplifted experiences of my life.

Mana, the power of knowing who you are

As you can see in the photo above, I met one of the Tūhoe, Tame Iti. His passion for change, his creative spark, and his deep compassion transmitted across the internet as I watched a TED talk : Mana, the power of knowing who you are prior to our trip.

Then I met him. Unexpectedly. Wow. Mind-blowing-ly cool.

The meeting is not about the ego, the self, it is about the place. Introductions start with your mountain and the river. The felt sense of respect in every pore of my being, connected to the Tūhoe. Weʻre interconnected. Though look at us, at first glance, it is too easy to simply see the differences.

In the past, Tame Iti was known as an activist, considered a trouble-maker by some, jailed, and freed. His people, the Tūhoe, have attained sovereignty from the Crown, and are now doing the vital work of restoring peace to the people and the land.

According to one person of the Tūhoe Nation, when the people work out their relationships, the land will be restored. I get this. On a very deep level I get this. I care passionately about the land, but I am a relational health coach, my focus is on people. When we are okay, the land is okay.

Gives more than it takes

The Living Building, on the Tūhoe Nation, is a building that gives more than it takes, is indeed remarkable. As we walked through the space, we discovered much about the purpose, the vision behind it. The impetus, as I understand it, was to demonstrate what is possible.

The Living Building impressed upon me the importance of having a vision, a purpose for living. While many still live in poverty, and struggle with addictions, and unhealthy conditions, the question of the use of resources to build this feat of wonder surfaced.

And so it is with me, I demonstrate what is possible. I live as a sober woman of integrity, in a committed and happy marriage. I am well-rested, fit, awake, and fully alive. I work on my relationship vision, which grows to encompass family, both offspring and parents, landscapes and Hawaiʻi lifeways, vocations and creative pursuits. I want a lot from life, and I give a lot to it.

Yet, ironically, I no longer strive. Striving begets strife.

Part of my unlearning has been to give up striving, striving for more, for perfection, for winning. Instead, I have a relationship with enough, with good enough, with cooperation, and, ironically, all of this invites abundance. Abundance of spirit, of connection, of time, of health, and of willingness to keep on keeping on, saving the planet one relationship at a time.

Despite cataracts, clear vision

Tame Iti showed us around his art studio. Depictions of Frida Kahlo peered at me as he told me he quit banging his head against the wall with his activism. How I heard that, was that he quit fighting anyone or anything, and quit hurting himself in the process.

He sees clearly. He understands we are all the same.

He looked me in the eyes, thoughtfully. I commented on his purple eyes, he told me they were cataracts and he was due for surgery next month. And yet, his vision is clear. He knows what matters most. To tap the creative spirit within all of us to create a better world, to restore the land, to heal the minds.

Unlearning to relearn

I must unlearn the role of colonizer and the accompanying guilt, remorse and shame I feel as an relative of one who colonized. I must unlearn addiction and the subsequent numbing out to lovingly show up to the present moment. I must remember where Iʻm from and tend to the land and the space between wherever I am.

The importance of mana, knowing who we are and where we come from, is vital. When I told him I was a recovering alcoholic, he replied, but where is your Tūhoe? In other words, I am more than a recovering alcoholic, a recovering colonist (via my ancestors), and a recovering American.

I am Proud to be Tūhoe.proud to be Tūhoe

Posted on

Being Mortal & Transitioning Gracefully

transitioning with ease

I want to die gracefully. Moving and transitioning with grace and ease is also how I wish to live my day to day life. My desire for greater connection with loved ones inspires me to allow space for grace.

In the past, transitions challenged my sense of calm and ease. From day one, I felt the pinch of forceps on my temples, hurrying me to a place I wasn’t ready to be. (I’m talking about the birth process.) Therefore, I historically run a few minutes late. I rush past my beloveds, spill my coffee, and wonder which clock to believe. This frenetic energy didn’t get me where I wanted to go. 

Developing an observing quality of mind, I saw myself racing around and my connections with others suffered. This woke me up. I began to slow down, say good-bye with a soft gaze, offer hugs, and guess what, grace and ease entered my heart… and I ended up being on time!

Being Mortal & Transitioning Gracefully

I highly recommend this book, Being Mortal, by Atul Gawande which encourages us to find a new conversation around medicine and what matters most at the end. He describes the experiences of several of his patients’ deaths and the deterioration of his own father. He explores new ways of working with others to empower them to contemplate their own death and the considerations of family before they find themselves in the “throes of crisis and fear.” He highlights what I find myself infinitely curious about, which is, what is the story we tell ourselves about our lives?

To quote directly from the text,

“People seemed to have two different selves–an experiencing self who endures every moment equally and a remembering self who gives almost all the weight of judgment afterward to two single points in time, the worst moment and the last one. The remembering self seems to stick to the Peak-End rule even when the ending is an anomaly. Just a few minutes without pain at the end of their medical procedure dramatically reduced patients’ overall pain ratings even after they’d experienced more than half an hour of high level pain. ‘That wasn’t so terrible,’ they’d reported afterward. A bad ending skewed the pain scores upward just as dramatically.”

We have purposes larger than ourselves

“In the end, people don’t view their life as merely the average of all of its moments–which, after all, is mostly nothing much plus some sleep. For human beings, life is meaningful because it is a story. A story has a sense of a whole, and its arc is determined by the significant moments, the ones where something happens. Measurements of people’s minute-by-minute levels of pleasure and pain miss this fundamental aspect of human existence. A seemingly happy life can be empty. A seemingly difficult life may be devoted to a great cause. We have purposes larger than ourselves.

Unlike your experiencing self–which is absorbed in the moment–your remembering self is attempting to recognize not only the peaks of joy and valleys of misery but also how the story works out as a whole. That is profoundly affected by how things ultimately turn out. Why would a football fan let a few flubbed minutes at the end of the game ruin three hours of bliss? Because a football game is a story. And in stories, endings matter.”

Invite space for grace

I agree wholeheartedly that endings matter. I also think beginnings matter. We must pay attention to quality of ease in the transitioning of our mundane existence. I think this is precisely why we should all be asking ourselves the question, what is the story I am telling myself about my life? It is a valuable exercise to book-end our day with two essentials: wake up with a smile before our feet hit the floor (this sets up positive cascade of neurotransmitter responses) and review our day before our head hits the pillow with a gratitude list or a www list (what went well) and write this down and/or share with a loved one.

These two simple practices, practiced on a daily basis, provide the fundamentals ingredients for helping us enjoy a better quality of life, a more accepting and gracious remembering self, and an experiencing self who notices what is going well in the day. This adds up to a more wholesome self who is better equipped at “Being Mortal” and making the difficult choices around life and death, and transitioning gracefully. So, for today, let us narrow the lens of the “good life” to this 24 hours of today.

Perhaps this one wild and precious life is workable and worthy of appreciation in each and every moment.

Instructions for Living a Life: 1. Pay attention 2. Be astonished 3. Share about it. – Mary Oliver

Posted on

Our kuleana, our responsibility, is for higher love; conscious connection

embodied presence attachment

Our kuleana, our responsibility, is to be true to ourselves, so that we can be true to others, When we inhabit our lives fully, enjoy our own embodied presence, then we can show up in conscious connection. From here, we can be amazing partners and feel higher love.

Relational responsibility takes work

Our romantic relationship cycled through lust, attraction and attachment, all the way into a satisfying long-term marriage. The romantic phase gave us the juice to experience the transformative power of love. For us it started hot, it burned wildly, and it still keeps us warm inside. Our marriage and our mutual commitment provide the most rewarding opportunity to grow and heal; to give and receive love. It is our responsibility to show up and do this.

We’re really expecting a lot from our romantic partners

On one hand we want stability in our partner. Reliability, predicable safety and security.

On the other hand, we want a sense of fresh aliveness. Wild, erotic, new, mysterious wonder and amazement.

In one person!

Esther Perel, an erotic desire expert, explores this conundrum in her groundbreaking work on couples and partnerships. She explores the crisis of desire by asking, “can we love what we already have?”

Check out her book Mating in Captivity or her many TED Talks if you want more about this or her blog here https://estherperel.com/blog/let-go-of-being-the-perfect-partner

Instead of looking for the right partner, we become the right partner

Many couples cycle through the romantic phase and wind up in the power struggle phase only to split up because the illusion of finding the perfect partner which fuels the search for someone better. When we want perfection, we fall in love with the potential of someone (and ourselves). We tell ourselves we will be okay only if he changes.

In early power struggle stages, I often blamed my husband. It wasn’t until I took 100% responsibility for my 50% of the dynamic that awareness blossomed.  Responsibility, kuleana, is essential in committed relationships.

Shift your focus. Your kuleana is you first. Look within. Just do you. Be comfortable in your own skin. From here, just do your partner. I take responsibility for my own happiness. I manufacture my own misery whenever I want my husband to be different than he is. It typically happens when I want myself to be different than I am. It’s a contagion. It fuels the power struggle. 

Make it safe, connect, and feel the joy

Communication breeds safety for more vulnerable expression of desires, preferences and dislikes. Sex gets better when we express our needs, our desires, both in the bedroom and outside. More intimacy, in-to-me-see,  more pleasure. When I give and receive in all aspects of our relationship, I am more free to give and receive while making love. It’s so yummy.

The sex of long term committed relationship blows my mind! The juice from our mutual integrity and commitment fueled with the curiosity and mystery of the continual evolution of self and other is enticing. Remember, conscious partnership is recognizing we are not me. Incompatibility is really good news. See this blog for more https://amyelizabethgordon.com/incompatibility-is-good-news/

We fall in love with our own wholeness

From our embodied presence, we recognize differences with curiosity instead of struggle. If we spot it we got it–all those things we love about our partner (and all the things we despise). Our lost self, our hidden self, and our disowned self integrate back to a natural place of wholeness.

We experience relaxed joyfulness and calm abiding

Posted on

Incompatibility is good news

Incompatibility, bridging differences

Incompatibility in marriage is a common complaint. It implies the inability of harmonious coexistence and fuels the power struggle. Yet most relationships have some level of incompatibility. I know mine does, and we have harmonious coexistence much of the time.

A basic tenet of truth in partnership is we are not me. When I remember this catchy phrase, I open my eyes to new perspectives. Eliminating differences is a futile waste of my precious life force. Alternatively, seeing new perspectives is invigorating and affirming.

Incompatibility is good news

It can help me heal old wounds, therefore it’s not a death sentence to relationships.

My relationship is solid, we’ve been through a lot, we adore each other, and, despite all that, my default is fear. That is the predictable hell I can land in sometimes. I know this familiar ache of loneliness, deeply. 

My Imago Mentor Maya Kollman taught me a really mind-blowing idea:

Couples would rather live in a predictable hell than have a taste of heaven and lose it. 

Here’s a recent example of how this shows up in our marriage. Away for a week, I returned home to find my paintings moved to another room. I scanned the environment in a hyper vigilant fashion, looking for clues of whether I was welcome or not.

I asked my husband, “Do you even want me here?” Based on this one observation: He had moved my paintings. Period. (I wanted my paintings in our bedroom, he didn’t).

My fear response: I concluded he didn’t want me here. Ouch. (He wanted neutral decor for awhile and he had left me a love note to tell me this). This default place of the familiar fear of feeling unwanted is so very old.

If my reaction is hysterical, it is probably historical.

Am I wanted?

This a default worrisome thought that gets triggered in times of stress, transition, and reconnection.

If I resist it, it persists. If I name it, I tame it. 

My birth story in 5 short sentences:

My mom birthed four boys.

A major historical event, man landing on the moon, brought my parents into baby-making space together once again.

Despite birth control; pregnancy.

They loved me dearly and would probably never admit that I was unwanted.

But truth be told,  I wasn’t planned.

This prenatal vibe may indeed color how I see myself in the world. With this awareness, I soften to myself and share my vulnerability with my husband. I heal the old wound through our difference of opinion of where the paintings hang. Willing to see things in a fresh perspective, I let go of the predictable hell and experience a new freedom.

For more information

Please check out the founders of Imago Relationship Theory. Harville and Helen Hendrix broke the ground for a new relational paradigm. In fact, they propose that incompatibility is grounds for marriage! Check out their website — which offers 3 free books — an amazing resource. https://harvilleandhelen.com/books/making-marriage-simple/