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Mana Enhancing Agreements

mana

Mana is the divine essence is all things. Conservation efforts to restore natural landscapes also relate to tending to individual environments. These the innermost landscapes continually interact with the natural world. In the work of ritual as an essential aspect of conservation, we are asked to bring our best selves forward. Our own personal environment needs tending, in order to do the vital work of conservation.

I would dare propose that if we ALL did this work, ALL the time, in ALL of our relations, the land would take care of herself.

Mana enhancing engagement

When we cultivate awareness of what is going on inside, we can dare to accept this moment is exactly as it is (instead of wishing it were different and falling into anger, apathy or aversion), and then we take action to clean it up, restore, and cultivate wellness with each action. We embrace mana enhancing engagement, within ourselves and our personal relationships with each other. Then the landscape naturally benefits when we are not polluting the space between. She doesnʻt need us, but we need her.

 

The traditional life ways school that I belong to, Hālau ʻOhiʻa, works to engage a deeper understanding of why we are saving the endangered birds, planting the trees, and restoring the habitat. In essence, it is mana enhancing engagement.

Kahoʻolawe

The ritual of our conservation work during huakaʻi, journey, to Kahoʻolawe, an uninhabited island accessible by invitation only, began with individual preparation of mind, body, and spirit prior to our travel. For me, I got extra sleep. I paid attention to my dreams. I took extra good care of my feet, trimming the nails straight across to avoid ingrown infections, walking more gingerly on the earth to avoid stubbed toes, and massaging my feet nightly to thank them for all the miles we had walked in our lifetime and the many more to come.

 

We chanted for permission to access this scarred and sacred land.  Then we engaged in ritualistic cleansing, kapu kai, to release the stuck hurriedness, pilikia, drama, and built up grime we collect in our mundane activities. Letting go of the mundane chit chat, the ordinary distractions that fill our minds and days, we opened to the sacred, the kapu.

Fertilize the kapu

We invite silence to be the fertilizer for the kapu, sacred. Unplugged from media and devices, we tuned into Kanaka Vision, and we sank more fully into the moment. Hydrating with olena, turmeric, water, we hiked at pre-dawn. With a gentle invitation to pay greater attention, we did. We looked to the clouds, the wind, the quality of this moment, now. We chanted throughout the day. For sunrise, we chanted, at high noon we chanted. A portal opened that fed immense energy to our open beings. The auʻau  ritual of cleansing in the kai, ocean kept things sacred. 

With each huakaʻi, I let go of the need for “alone time.” I recognize, in advance, that part of the huakaʻi process is traveling as a 70 foot unit, 35 individuals, without getting enmeshed in other peopleʻs pilikia. We all malama the keiki, we take care of the children. We all carried each otherʻs ukana, baggage, on arrival at Hakioawa and helped with the opala, rubbish, on departure. It truly is a remarkable thing, when we bring our best selves forward, body, mind, and spirit, and when we recognize our interconnectedness with each other, we maintain healthy boundaries and attuned hearts, a beneficial connection. In other words, we care for each other, but we donʻt try to take care of each other.

Guided by stars

We tuned into Kanaka Vision and we saw the cloud people march across the landscape and bring the rains back to Kanaloa, another name for Kahoʻolawe. Chanting the moʻokuʻauhau, genealogical chant, of Hokuleʻa, the Polynesian canoe that wove a lei of aloha around the planet on her worldwide voyage using celestial navigation was an honor to be a participant in. Sitting in the navigatorʻs chair and recognizing the need to also look up, not just out, we shift our perspective. The trash we saw in the bays, resultant of the currents bringing the detritus of humanity to the shores, was immensely intense, especially since this island is uninhabited. There is no escape from the fingerprint of humanity. There is no “away” that we can throw things, or relationships.

Being hanai’d, adopted, by place

A huge part of being hanai’d, adopted, by place is the spirit of forgiveness of self & other. How do we clean up the wreckage of our past? We cultivate awareness of what is. By accepting this moment is exactly as it is, and we take action to clean it up, restore, and cultivate wellness with mana enhancing engagement with the landscape. She doesn’t need us, but we need her.

 

Kahoʻolawe is kapu to me. The lessons still unfolding and unfurling. Let us continue to bring the subconscious to the conscious. Let us remember always the discussion of the significance of discovering coral up on the heiau, shrine. In this we discovered  the Kanaloa and the Kane integrating.

 

Integration is necessary for healing to happen, whether on a personal or collective level. We must stay accountable, willing, and open. Thereby, we bring our best selves forward, in ritual, in conservation, in our day to day lives. With mana enhancing agreements, we resource ourselves to be a force for good, and to malama the ʻaina , protect the land, for now and future nows.

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Intentional Dialogue Builds Bridges of Connection

bridge of connection
We communicate on levels way beyond words. Eighty percent of our communication is non-verbal, including glares, pheromones, facial wrinkles of genuine smiles, touching the nose during lies, and much more. Yet words have the power to hurt or heal.

Choose your words wisely, dear reader, they matter

Intentional dialogue is just that, words chosen wisely.
It’s about showing up with your whole Self, not just physically.
It’s also creating a safe and secure container for both people to interact.
Without interrupting the sender, asking questions, finishing each other’s sentence, checking messages, or mind-reading.

Build a Culture of Appreciation

Practice Intentional Dialogue in Sharing Appreciations.
Get really familiar with the process before using it to bring up hot topics.
Take deep belly breaths before, during, and after engaging in intentional dialogue.
Use the intentional dialogue to bring up a difficult subject instead of letting it fester.
Resource yourself so you can be fully present, to fully give as the sender, and freely receive as the receiver.

Set an Appointment

It is a good idea to make an appointment for the dialogue.

Once example is your partner might be taking the trash out and it might not be the best time to launch right into a dialogue.

Try this instead, “Iʻd like to have a dialogue with you where I share some appreciations with you, is now a good time?”

If it is not a good time, make an appointment for it within 24 hours. If it isnʻt scheduled, it doesn’t always happen.

Seeing your partner as an enemy is a choice

Look for places to stretch into a new way of being:
Do you have to react with suspicion when you feel triggered or can you remain open and curious?
Are you willing to let go of the knee-jerk reaction to see your partner as an enemy whenever there is conflict?
First of all, trust this process.
The safety and containment helps to lessen reactivity and negativity.
Second, use your breath to calm down whenever you feel triggered.

Third,  engage in intentional dialogue with your partner.

Instructions for Intentional Dialogue

Choose a sender and a receiver. Sender sends short bits of information; digestible chunks of information.

For example, “As I’m sitting here I’m experiencing some neck and shoulder tension from computer work today.”

Receiver mirrors what sender sent:

“Let me see if I’m getting you, what I hear you saying is …your body is talking to you after a long day at work.”

Receiver checks for accuracy:

“Am I getting you?”

Sender says “yes” or “You got part of what I said, what I really want you to hear is…my neck and shoulders hurt”

[We discourage the sender replying with “no, you’re not getting me” because this destroys the bridge of connection.]

Receiver asks,

“Is there more?“

After mirroring, over and over, move into validation:

Receiver: “You make sense to me, given what I know about you, and what makes sense is…”

Then move into empathy:

Receiver: “I imagine you might be feeling…”

Encouragements

Say these phrases with an open heart and active engagement. Put your phone away. Even having a smartphone in the room with you makes you dumber, meaning, you are less likely to be fully engaged. Make sure you are not hungry or tired.

Open  to hear that your partnerʻs experience in life may be very different from your own. Validation does NOT mean that you agree. You are simply acknowledging that the other person makes sense. We all make sense, and we all love to be validated.

  • When  triggered, simply say, “Let me see if Iʻm getting you, what I hear you saying is…”
  • The invitation is to be impeccable with your word. Don’t make assumptions.
  • Skillful communication builds bridges, eliminates walls (or perceived need for armor).
  • It honors the unique perspective of every person on the planet.
  • Invite others into your sovereign world and respectfully enter their worlds.
Build the bridge of connection now!
Please share your experience in the comments section below.
What is one dialogue you wish you could have and with whom?
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Space for Grace: Enter Here Now

Space for Grace

Are you tired of being tired? I was. In order to harness the energy required to tend to my amazing life and engage lovingly and consistently with my husband, I invited space for grace to enter. From this S.P.A.C.E. of Soft, Positive, Active, Clear Energy, I entered a state of grace, of calm abiding. Here, I found I am more approachable, more supple. I softened my gaze. I hugged my beloved until I more fully relaxed, experienced comfort in my own skin, and came home to myself.

Remember daily practices

Here’s what I do: Regularly drink water and stay hydrated. Deeply breathe into my heart center. Fully exhale what is no longer needed in this moment. Willingly inhale the sweetness of this moment, right here, right now.  Then, my friend, when I do these things, I’m stepping into Command Central of my nervous system. My relationship with myself thrives, and so does my marriage.

Imago training to reclaim my lost self

During a training in Imago Relational Theory, I had the great good fortune of experiencing a jewel of British Columbia, the amazing metropolis of Vancouver. Here I continued the journey of healing my relationship with myself and learned essential practices to enhance my relational health coaching practice.

Per my mentor’s request, I entered the world of my lost self. Thinking about my childhood and what messages I got, I remembered how I was not encouraged to do sports, to be strong, to be successful. I wasn’t told not to, I just wasn’t encouraged to. So I entered the space for grace, dressed up as Serena Williams, and reclaimed my lost self of a strong athletic and driven woman who can succeed beyond measure.

This was many moons ago. Now I am paddling, running, spinning and going to Chisel class at the gym twice a week. My daily practice of yoga, meditation, and writing are more consistent than ever. I am both soft and strong. Strong back, soft front. Both structurally sound and vulnerable. Both, and.

As far as success, it waits for me across the street. I hear it, clearly, chirping in a language I understand, GO NOW.

As my dear friend Molly would say, I’m a bad-ass mama. I am reclaiming my wholeness.

Here’s a poem I wrote while in B.C., with a few modern edits. Please enjoy. Invite space for grace to enter; now.

unburden my heart

unburden my heart as i embark on adventure

prepare to discover myself anew

how do i want to sound, look, feel, interact

with all that is around me

 

big trees towering

fresh beauty flowering

Vancouver, glorious

the humming of commuters

entering the tunnel after a long awaited pause

a birth canal to a new self

 

Self, now whole

reuniting parts forgotten

reclaiming parts of my lost self

welcome home

 

willing to strengthen

willing to soften

move, sweat, write, pray

daily

practicing a daily practice

i preach

 

i can do it

my senses alert

i see the tv across 13th street

blurry

no need to focus in there

i hear the chirp of the crosswalk saying, GO NOW

gently –in another language–

i smell the coffee in the corner shop

rousing

 

since the poetic thoughts while driving have evaporated

trust the process of condensation and precipitation

the cycle of water is steady

constant

reliable

trustworthy

 

soft

positive

active

clear

energy

 

always available

infinitely accessible

readily ready

open my heartmind to it now

long time manifest

 

this calm abiding

a result of inviting space for grace

to enter into my heart

and work in a way

that is indeed,

miraculous

 

therefore, no longer am i

an afterthought

to myself

i am claiming it all

having fun

relaxing

hanging out

visible

 

cheering

always cheering

for love

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Unlearning: Our commitment begins

Tuhoy, Tame Iti

Our unlearning begins when we release the strongly held inbuilt distrust of ourselves and each other. We must unlearn to relearn. Taking full responsibility for the vision of life we want, we uplift ourselves and the world. Our commitment to the vision begins.

These sentiments speak volumes to me of the integrity and grit of The Tūhoe people of Aoetearoa (otherwise known as New Zealand). They struggle with the costs of colonisation, with the depth of brokenness, with worry and despair.

And still, meeting with them, seeing their land, standing on the edge of civilization, and sharing our breath, was one of the most uplifted experiences of my life.

Mana, the power of knowing who you are

As you can see in the photo above, I met one of the Tūhoe, Tame Iti. His passion for change, his creative spark, and his deep compassion transmitted across the internet as I watched a TED talk : Mana, the power of knowing who you are prior to our trip.

Then I met him. Unexpectedly. Wow. Mind-blowing-ly cool.

The meeting is not about the ego, the self, it is about the place. Introductions start with your mountain and the river. The felt sense of respect in every pore of my being, connected to the Tūhoe. Weʻre interconnected. Though look at us, at first glance, it is too easy to simply see the differences.

In the past, Tame Iti was known as an activist, considered a trouble-maker by some, jailed, and freed. His people, the Tūhoe, have attained sovereignty from the Crown, and are now doing the vital work of restoring peace to the people and the land.

According to one person of the Tūhoe Nation, when the people work out their relationships, the land will be restored. I get this. On a very deep level I get this. I care passionately about the land, but I am a relational health coach, my focus is on people. When we are okay, the land is okay.

Gives more than it takes

The Living Building, on the Tūhoe Nation, is a building that gives more than it takes, is indeed remarkable. As we walked through the space, we discovered much about the purpose, the vision behind it. The impetus, as I understand it, was to demonstrate what is possible.

The Living Building impressed upon me the importance of having a vision, a purpose for living. While many still live in poverty, and struggle with addictions, and unhealthy conditions, the question of the use of resources to build this feat of wonder surfaced.

And so it is with me, I demonstrate what is possible. I live as a sober woman of integrity, in a committed and happy marriage. I am well-rested, fit, awake, and fully alive. I work on my relationship vision, which grows to encompass family, both offspring and parents, landscapes and Hawaiʻi lifeways, vocations and creative pursuits. I want a lot from life, and I give a lot to it.

Yet, ironically, I no longer strive. Striving begets strife.

Part of my unlearning has been to give up striving, striving for more, for perfection, for winning. Instead, I have a relationship with enough, with good enough, with cooperation, and, ironically, all of this invites abundance. Abundance of spirit, of connection, of time, of health, and of willingness to keep on keeping on, saving the planet one relationship at a time.

Despite cataracts, clear vision

Tame Iti showed us around his art studio. Depictions of Frida Kahlo peered at me as he told me he quit banging his head against the wall with his activism. How I heard that, was that he quit fighting anyone or anything, and quit hurting himself in the process.

He sees clearly. He understands we are all the same.

He looked me in the eyes, thoughtfully. I commented on his purple eyes, he told me they were cataracts and he was due for surgery next month. And yet, his vision is clear. He knows what matters most. To tap the creative spirit within all of us to create a better world, to restore the land, to heal the minds.

Unlearning to relearn

I must unlearn the role of colonizer and the accompanying guilt, remorse and shame I feel as an relative of one who colonized. I must unlearn addiction and the subsequent numbing out to lovingly show up to the present moment. I must remember where Iʻm from and tend to the land and the space between wherever I am.

The importance of mana, knowing who we are and where we come from, is vital. When I told him I was a recovering alcoholic, he replied, but where is your Tūhoe? In other words, I am more than a recovering alcoholic, a recovering colonist (via my ancestors), and a recovering American.

I am Proud to be Tūhoe.proud to be Tūhoe

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Being Mortal & Transitioning Gracefully

transitioning with ease

I want to die gracefully. Moving and transitioning with grace and ease is also how I wish to live my day to day life. My desire for greater connection with loved ones inspires me to allow space for grace.

In the past, transitions challenged my sense of calm and ease. From day one, I felt the pinch of forceps on my temples, hurrying me to a place I wasn’t ready to be. (I’m talking about the birth process.) Therefore, I historically run a few minutes late. I rush past my beloveds, spill my coffee, and wonder which clock to believe. This frenetic energy didn’t get me where I wanted to go. 

Developing an observing quality of mind, I saw myself racing around and my connections with others suffered. This woke me up. I began to slow down, say good-bye with a soft gaze, offer hugs, and guess what, grace and ease entered my heart… and I ended up being on time!

Being Mortal & Transitioning Gracefully

I highly recommend this book, Being Mortal, by Atul Gawande which encourages us to find a new conversation around medicine and what matters most at the end. He describes the experiences of several of his patients’ deaths and the deterioration of his own father. He explores new ways of working with others to empower them to contemplate their own death and the considerations of family before they find themselves in the “throes of crisis and fear.” He highlights what I find myself infinitely curious about, which is, what is the story we tell ourselves about our lives?

To quote directly from the text,

“People seemed to have two different selves–an experiencing self who endures every moment equally and a remembering self who gives almost all the weight of judgment afterward to two single points in time, the worst moment and the last one. The remembering self seems to stick to the Peak-End rule even when the ending is an anomaly. Just a few minutes without pain at the end of their medical procedure dramatically reduced patients’ overall pain ratings even after they’d experienced more than half an hour of high level pain. ‘That wasn’t so terrible,’ they’d reported afterward. A bad ending skewed the pain scores upward just as dramatically.”

We have purposes larger than ourselves

“In the end, people don’t view their life as merely the average of all of its moments–which, after all, is mostly nothing much plus some sleep. For human beings, life is meaningful because it is a story. A story has a sense of a whole, and its arc is determined by the significant moments, the ones where something happens. Measurements of people’s minute-by-minute levels of pleasure and pain miss this fundamental aspect of human existence. A seemingly happy life can be empty. A seemingly difficult life may be devoted to a great cause. We have purposes larger than ourselves.

Unlike your experiencing self–which is absorbed in the moment–your remembering self is attempting to recognize not only the peaks of joy and valleys of misery but also how the story works out as a whole. That is profoundly affected by how things ultimately turn out. Why would a football fan let a few flubbed minutes at the end of the game ruin three hours of bliss? Because a football game is a story. And in stories, endings matter.”

Invite space for grace

I agree wholeheartedly that endings matter. I also think beginnings matter. We must pay attention to quality of ease in the transitioning of our mundane existence. I think this is precisely why we should all be asking ourselves the question, what is the story I am telling myself about my life? It is a valuable exercise to book-end our day with two essentials: wake up with a smile before our feet hit the floor (this sets up positive cascade of neurotransmitter responses) and review our day before our head hits the pillow with a gratitude list or a www list (what went well) and write this down and/or share with a loved one.

These two simple practices, practiced on a daily basis, provide the fundamentals ingredients for helping us enjoy a better quality of life, a more accepting and gracious remembering self, and an experiencing self who notices what is going well in the day. This adds up to a more wholesome self who is better equipped at “Being Mortal” and making the difficult choices around life and death, and transitioning gracefully. So, for today, let us narrow the lens of the “good life” to this 24 hours of today.

Perhaps this one wild and precious life is workable and worthy of appreciation in each and every moment.

Instructions for Living a Life: 1. Pay attention 2. Be astonished 3. Share about it. – Mary Oliver

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Our kuleana, our responsibility, is for higher love; conscious connection

embodied presence attachment

Our kuleana, our responsibility, is to be true to ourselves, so that we can be true to others, When we inhabit our lives fully, enjoy our own embodied presence, then we can show up in conscious connection. From here, we can be amazing partners and feel higher love.

Relational responsibility takes work

Our romantic relationship cycled through lust, attraction and attachment, all the way into a satisfying long-term marriage. The romantic phase gave us the juice to experience the transformative power of love. For us it started hot, it burned wildly, and it still keeps us warm inside. Our marriage and our mutual commitment provide the most rewarding opportunity to grow and heal; to give and receive love. It is our responsibility to show up and do this.

We’re really expecting a lot from our romantic partners

On one hand we want stability in our partner. Reliability, predicable safety and security.

On the other hand, we want a sense of fresh aliveness. Wild, erotic, new, mysterious wonder and amazement.

In one person!

Esther Perel, an erotic desire expert, explores this conundrum in her groundbreaking work on couples and partnerships. She explores the crisis of desire by asking, “can we love what we already have?”

Check out her book Mating in Captivity or her many TED Talks if you want more about this or her blog here https://estherperel.com/blog/let-go-of-being-the-perfect-partner

Instead of looking for the right partner, we become the right partner

Many couples cycle through the romantic phase and wind up in the power struggle phase only to split up because the illusion of finding the perfect partner which fuels the search for someone better. When we want perfection, we fall in love with the potential of someone (and ourselves). We tell ourselves we will be okay only if he changes.

In early power struggle stages, I often blamed my husband. It wasn’t until I took 100% responsibility for my 50% of the dynamic that awareness blossomed.  Responsibility, kuleana, is essential in committed relationships.

Shift your focus. Your kuleana is you first. Look within. Just do you. Be comfortable in your own skin. From here, just do your partner. I take responsibility for my own happiness. I manufacture my own misery whenever I want my husband to be different than he is. It typically happens when I want myself to be different than I am. It’s a contagion. It fuels the power struggle. 

Make it safe, connect, and feel the joy

Communication breeds safety for more vulnerable expression of desires, preferences and dislikes. Sex gets better when we express our needs, our desires, both in the bedroom and outside. More intimacy, in-to-me-see,  more pleasure. When I give and receive in all aspects of our relationship, I am more free to give and receive while making love. It’s so yummy.

The sex of long term committed relationship blows my mind! The juice from our mutual integrity and commitment fueled with the curiosity and mystery of the continual evolution of self and other is enticing. Remember, conscious partnership is recognizing we are not me. Incompatibility is really good news. See this blog for more https://amyelizabethgordon.com/incompatibility-is-good-news/

We fall in love with our own wholeness

From our embodied presence, we recognize differences with curiosity instead of struggle. If we spot it we got it–all those things we love about our partner (and all the things we despise). Our lost self, our hidden self, and our disowned self integrate back to a natural place of wholeness.

We experience relaxed joyfulness and calm abiding