Intentional Dialogue Builds Bridges of Connection

We communicate on levels way beyond words. Eighty percent of our communication is non-verbal, including glares, pheromones, facial wrinkles of genuine smiles, touching the nose during lies, and much more. Yet words have the power to hurt or heal.

Choose your words wisely, dear reader, they matter

Intentional dialogue is just that, words chosen wisely.

It’s about showing up with your whole Self, not just physically.

It’s also creating a safe and secure container for both people to interact.

Without interrupting the sender, asking questions, finishing each other’s sentence, checking messages, or mind-reading.

Build a Culture of Appreciation

Practice Intentional Dialogue in Sharing Appreciations.

Get really familiar with the process before using it to bring up hot topics.

Take deep belly breaths before, during, and after engaging in intentional dialogue.

Use the intentional dialogue to bring up a difficult subject instead of letting it fester.

Resource yourself so you can be fully present, to fully give as the sender, and freely receive as the receiver.

Set an Appointment

It is a good idea to make an appointment for the dialogue.

Once example is your partner might be taking the trash out and it might not be the best time to launch right into a dialogue.

Try this instead, “Iʻd like to have a dialogue with you where I share some appreciations with you, is now a good time?”

If it is not a good time, make an appointment for it within 24 hours. If it isnʻt scheduled, it doesn’t always happen.

Seeing your partner as an enemy is a choice

Look for places to stretch into a new way of being:

Do you have to react with suspicion when you feel triggered or can you remain open and curious?

Are you willing to let go of the knee-jerk reaction to see your partner as an enemy whenever there is conflict?

First of all, trust this process.

The safety and containment helps to lessen reactivity and negativity.

Second, use your breath to calm down whenever you feel triggered.

Third, engage in intentional dialogue with your partner.

Instructions for Intentional Dialogue

Choose a sender and a receiver. Sender sends short bits of information; digestible chunks of information.

For example, “As I’m sitting here I’m experiencing some neck and shoulder tension from computer work today.”

Receiver mirrors what sender sent:

“Let me see if I’m getting you, what I hear you saying is …your body is talking to you after a long day at work.”

Receiver checks for accuracy:

“Am I getting you?”

Sender says “yes” or “You got part of what I said, what I really want you to hear is…my neck and shoulders hurt”

[We discourage the sender replying with “no, you’re not getting me” because this destroys the bridge of connection.]

Receiver asks,

“Is there more?“

After mirroring, over and over, move into validation:

Receiver: “You make sense to me, given what I know about you, and what makes sense is…”

Then move into empathy:

Receiver: “I imagine you might be feeling…”

Encouragements

Say these phrases with an open heart and active engagement. Put your phone away. Even having a smartphone in the room with you makes you dumber, meaning, you are less likely to be fully engaged. Make sure you are not hungry or tired.

Open to hear that your partnerʻs experience in life may be very different from your own. Validation does NOT mean that you agree. You are simply acknowledging that the other person makes sense. We all make sense, and we all love to be validated.

When triggered, simply say, “Let me see if Iʻm getting you, what I hear you saying is…”
The invitation is to be impeccable with your word. Don’t make assumptions.
Skillful communication builds bridges, eliminates walls (or perceived need for armor).
It honors the unique perspective of every person on the planet.
Invite others into your sovereign world and respectfully enter their worlds.

Build the bridge of connection now!

Please share your experience in the comments section below.

What is one dialogue you wish you could have and with whom?