Reactivity Lessens in Three Simple Steps

reactivity & ownership of your part

Reactivity happens when you don’t have conscious connection to the present moment. Next thing you know you are hijacked by negativity. But you hate the hate. You can’t stand the familiar core scene of negativity that creeps up on a regular basis. It is a noxious weed that you try to pull out and it grows back with greater strength and annoying characteristics.

Sound familiar?

You are not alone

I hear from so many people that they want less criticism, less reactivity, less negativity in their interactions with others, particularly their significant others.

Let me tell you, it’s entirely possible to enjoy less strife in your life! Seriously. Here’s the secret, if you get big in your reactions, contain yourself. If you get small in your reactions, expand yourself.

In other words, do the opposite of what you usually might do when you feel triggered. You gotta have awareness of what you normally do in order to do it differently. Trust yourself that you can handle life’s stressful moments differently.

Three simple steps

  1. Take a breath. Pause before reacting.
  2. Imagine what it is your partner truly needs in this moment.
  3. Notice: do you need to contain or expand to add to the safety of the exchange.

Invite curiosity now–Leave shame, blame, and criticism in the closet–Permanently

Here’s a visual that helps many people, myself included, understand their reactivity patterns, their habits.

Turtles: minimize their energy, they pull in to protect, it looks like shutting down but it is really self-preservation. Partners who see this, do whatever you can to create safety for your turtle. Speak less, speak more quietly, offer a loving gesture. If you get bigger, he will shutdown. Own your part in this exchange.

Hailstorms: maximize their energy, they push out to understand, to project their discomfort out of themselves in the spirit of trying to connect. Partners who see this, do whatever you can to mirror, validate and empathize with your hailstorm. If you shut down, she will get bigger. Be curious of how to respond.

Get curious and take ownership for your part in the nightmare

Do what you can to promote safety. From safety comes core connection. From core connection comes greater intimacy, positivity, and a sense of deep love and belonging.

 

Resourced vs. Overwhelmed

resourced vs overwhelmed

When was the last time you felt resourced? Peacefully energized and equipped to handle all that life has to offer, you rally to the present moment with positive enthusiasm and willingness to be of service.

When was the last time you felt overwhelmed? Quietly drained and dulled to despair, unable to deal with even one more thing, your plate holds too much and your cup runneth over, you crawl back in bed, defeated.

If you are like some of my coaching clients, the overwhelmed state is more familiar than the resourced frame of mind.

If that’s true, read on…

Identifying overwhelm

You’re up in the middle of the night because the to-do list screams at you.

When you want to help your boy with homework but the work emails snatch your attention.

Ironically, you then beat up on yourself for not getting stuff done or hanging out with your son on his day off, which only serves to overwhelm you more, it doesn’t motivate you.

What does feeling resourced mean

When you are “resourced,” you have energy to focus and finish on the task at hand, corresponding with the hat you are wearing.

Set a timer for 20 minutes and pat yourself on the back for keeping your commitment to yourself for getting it done.

Go outside and feel the power of the Rock, Sunrise, Wind, and Rain. These are all powers greater than yourself.

Enjoy the energetic exchange with the Rock and her steadfastness, with Sunrise and his new opportunity. with Wind and his desire to clear away the stuck energy, and with Rain and her nurturing presence. Whatever is going on outside, you can join forces with that energy and let it fill you up and leave your more resourced.

Rekindle your Spirit

A sobering truth told, “if you’re feeling overwhelmed, you’re not feeling God.” Well how in the heck do you do that, “feel God?”

A humbling truth told, my dear husband said to me, not long ago, “you make things so complicated.” What else can you do?

A simple truth told, you simply long to feel good, to feel God, and to be a force for good.  How can you do that?

You can indeed feel resourced and use those resources to be a force for good

You can quit feeling overwhelmed and start feeling God by allowing yourself to simplify focus to the present moment.

Set a timer for 20 minutes and focus on the moment in front of you.

Your kid is calling for you? Well then be mom for 20 minutes.

Your planner says chapter 7 rough draft due? Write your book for 20 minutes.

Perhaps your morning routine shines when you do your yoga practice first thing before the day gets away from you? Wake up and do yoga for 20 minutes.

Breathe in the sweetness of this moment

Take a breath. Connect inward. Go outside. Overcome overwhelm with harnessing the power of your mind. Use your mind to rekindle your Soul.

Allow yourself to be fully present

When we land lovingly in the present moment, our Soul smiles. Our soul is our manifestation of Spirit that surrounds us. We naturally soften to the situation at hand. We light up with positivity. Even if what is happening around us has the potential to overwhelm us! Don’t lose connection with grace.

Grace is God

Release of the pinch of powerlessness and you can feel powerful beyond measure. Focus on what matters most.

 

Analysis Paralysis Cure

sunrise

Analysis Paralysis happens to all of us. We want to make the right decision to ensure the best possible outcome. Too many choices comprise the day. Big decisions, little decisions, all day long. Even what to watch on Netflix can be a big deal. And mustard? Forget about it… there are so many choices, stone-ground, dijon, yellow, pale ale, horseradish, and so on, my goodness, sometimes you just want mustard. Complaining about too many choices is a modern problem with an ancient solution.

People tell us to relieve stress we need to relax and take it easy. This is a great over-arching idea of life. But really, ask yourself, How do you do that?

Here’s how. You relax and take it easy in decision making; in the little things that comprise the furniture of our lives. Break free from overstimulated mental activity which gets you nowhere fast (analysis paralysis) and to taking one step in any direction.

Take a deep breath

Take a deep breath. And a longer exhale. Again. Do it 7 times. Then decide. Either way, decide, and carry on with your life.

The cure is the breath. The release comes from within you. Enjoy the liberation from analysis paralysis.

No right or wrong decision

What if you imagine there really is no right or wrong choice? Seriously. Feel that deep in your bones for a few moments. You are cutting yourself the ultimate slack.

Allow space for grace to enter and work in a way that is indeed miraculous.

When you drop into your intuition, you have more energy to take action.

“If you obsess over whether you are making the right decision, you are basically assuming that the universe will reward you for one thing and punish you for another.

The universe has no fixed agenda. Once you make any decision, it works around that decision. There is no right or wrong, only a series of possibilities that shift with each thought, feeling, and action that you experience.

If this sounds too mystical, refer again to the body. Every significant vital sign- body temperature, heart rate, oxygen consumption, hormone level, brain activity, and so on- alters the moment you decide to do anything… decisions are signals telling your body, mind, and environment to move in a certain direction.”

~Deepak Chopra, The Book of Secrets

Flip a coin

Yes, you heard me. Flip a coin. And notice your response to the outcome. Heads is about taking action. Tails is sitting and waiting. Sometimes deliberately waiting is the decision and taking no action can be the most powerful intervention at that time.

Call to action: Experiment with your life:

Embrace what comes.

Let go of what goes.

Don’t chase after anything.

Mana Enhancing Agreements

mana

Mana is the divine essence is all things. Conservation efforts to restore natural landscapes also relate to tending to individual environments. These the innermost landscapes continually interact with the natural world. In the work of ritual as an essential aspect of conservation, we are asked to bring our best selves forward. Our own personal environment needs tending, in order to do the vital work of conservation.

I would dare propose that if we ALL did this work, ALL the time, in ALL of our relations, the land would take care of herself.

Mana enhancing engagement

When we cultivate awareness of what is going on inside, we can dare to accept this moment is exactly as it is (instead of wishing it were different and falling into anger, apathy or aversion), and then we take action to clean it up, restore, and cultivate wellness with each action. We embrace mana enhancing engagement, within ourselves and our personal relationships with each other. Then the landscape naturally benefits when we are not polluting the space between. She doesnʻt need us, but we need her.

 

The traditional life ways school that I belong to, Hālau ʻOhiʻa, works to engage a deeper understanding of why we are saving the endangered birds, planting the trees, and restoring the habitat. In essence, it is mana enhancing engagement.

Kahoʻolawe

The ritual of our conservation work during huakaʻi, journey, to Kahoʻolawe, an uninhabited island accessible by invitation only, began with individual preparation of mind, body, and spirit prior to our travel. For me, I got extra sleep. I paid attention to my dreams. I took extra good care of my feet, trimming the nails straight across to avoid ingrown infections, walking more gingerly on the earth to avoid stubbed toes, and massaging my feet nightly to thank them for all the miles we had walked in our lifetime and the many more to come.

 

We chanted for permission to access this scarred and sacred land.  Then we engaged in ritualistic cleansing, kapu kai, to release the stuck hurriedness, pilikia, drama, and built up grime we collect in our mundane activities. Letting go of the mundane chit chat, the ordinary distractions that fill our minds and days, we opened to the sacred, the kapu.

Fertilize the kapu

We invite silence to be the fertilizer for the kapu, sacred. Unplugged from media and devices, we tuned into Kanaka Vision, and we sank more fully into the moment. Hydrating with olena, turmeric, water, we hiked at pre-dawn. With a gentle invitation to pay greater attention, we did. We looked to the clouds, the wind, the quality of this moment, now. We chanted throughout the day. For sunrise, we chanted, at high noon we chanted. A portal opened that fed immense energy to our open beings. The auʻau  ritual of cleansing in the kai, ocean kept things sacred. 

With each huakaʻi, I let go of the need for “alone time.” I recognize, in advance, that part of the huakaʻi process is traveling as a 70 foot unit, 35 individuals, without getting enmeshed in other peopleʻs pilikia. We all malama the keiki, we take care of the children. We all carried each otherʻs ukana, baggage, on arrival at Hakioawa and helped with the opala, rubbish, on departure. It truly is a remarkable thing, when we bring our best selves forward, body, mind, and spirit, and when we recognize our interconnectedness with each other, we maintain healthy boundaries and attuned hearts, a beneficial connection. In other words, we care for each other, but we donʻt try to take care of each other.

Guided by stars

We tuned into Kanaka Vision and we saw the cloud people march across the landscape and bring the rains back to Kanaloa, another name for Kahoʻolawe. Chanting the moʻokuʻauhau, genealogical chant, of Hokuleʻa, the Polynesian canoe that wove a lei of aloha around the planet on her worldwide voyage using celestial navigation was an honor to be a participant in. Sitting in the navigatorʻs chair and recognizing the need to also look up, not just out, we shift our perspective. The trash we saw in the bays, resultant of the currents bringing the detritus of humanity to the shores, was immensely intense, especially since this island is uninhabited. There is no escape from the fingerprint of humanity. There is no “away” that we can throw things, or relationships.

Being hanai’d, adopted, by place

A huge part of being hanai’d, adopted, by place is the spirit of forgiveness of self & other. How do we clean up the wreckage of our past? We cultivate awareness of what is. By accepting this moment is exactly as it is, and we take action to clean it up, restore, and cultivate wellness with mana enhancing engagement with the landscape. She doesn’t need us, but we need her.

 

Kahoʻolawe is kapu to me. The lessons still unfolding and unfurling. Let us continue to bring the subconscious to the conscious. Let us remember always the discussion of the significance of discovering coral up on the heiau, shrine. In this we discovered  the Kanaloa and the Kane integrating.

 

Integration is necessary for healing to happen, whether on a personal or collective level. We must stay accountable, willing, and open. Thereby, we bring our best selves forward, in ritual, in conservation, in our day to day lives. With mana enhancing agreements, we resource ourselves to be a force for good, and to malama the ʻaina , protect the land, for now and future nows.

Intentional Dialogue Builds Bridges of Connection

bridge of connection
We communicate on levels way beyond words. Eighty percent of our communication is non-verbal, including glares, pheromones, facial wrinkles of genuine smiles, touching the nose during lies, and much more. Yet words have the power to hurt or heal.

Choose your words wisely, dear reader, they matter

Intentional dialogue is just that, words chosen wisely.
It’s about showing up with your whole Self, not just physically.
It’s also creating a safe and secure container for both people to interact.
Without interrupting the sender, asking questions, finishing each other’s sentence, checking messages, or mind-reading.

Build a Culture of Appreciation

Practice Intentional Dialogue in Sharing Appreciations.
Get really familiar with the process before using it to bring up hot topics.
Take deep belly breaths before, during, and after engaging in intentional dialogue.
Use the intentional dialogue to bring up a difficult subject instead of letting it fester.
Resource yourself so you can be fully present, to fully give as the sender, and freely receive as the receiver.

Set an Appointment

It is a good idea to make an appointment for the dialogue.

Once example is your partner might be taking the trash out and it might not be the best time to launch right into a dialogue.

Try this instead, “Iʻd like to have a dialogue with you where I share some appreciations with you, is now a good time?”

If it is not a good time, make an appointment for it within 24 hours. If it isnʻt scheduled, it doesn’t always happen.

Seeing your partner as an enemy is a choice

Look for places to stretch into a new way of being:
Do you have to react with suspicion when you feel triggered or can you remain open and curious?
Are you willing to let go of the knee-jerk reaction to see your partner as an enemy whenever there is conflict?
First of all, trust this process.
The safety and containment helps to lessen reactivity and negativity.
Second, use your breath to calm down whenever you feel triggered.

Third,  engage in intentional dialogue with your partner.

Instructions for Intentional Dialogue

Choose a sender and a receiver. Sender sends short bits of information; digestible chunks of information.

For example, “As I’m sitting here I’m experiencing some neck and shoulder tension from computer work today.”

Receiver mirrors what sender sent:

Let me see if I’m getting you, what I hear you saying is …your body is talking to you after a long day at work.”

Receiver checks for accuracy:

Am I getting you?

Sender says “yes” or “You got part of what I said, what I really want you to hear is…my neck and shoulders hurt”

[We discourage the sender replying with “no, you’re not getting me” because this destroys the bridge of connection.]

Receiver asks,

Is there more?

After mirroring, over and over, move into validation:

Receiver: “You make sense to me, given what I know about you, and what makes sense is…”

Then move into empathy:

Receiver: “I imagine you might be feeling

Encouragements

Say these phrases with an open heart and active engagement. Put your phone away. Even having a smartphone in the room with you makes you dumber, meaning, you are less likely to be fully engaged. Make sure you are not hungry or tired.

Open  to hear that your partnerʻs experience in life may be very different from your own. Validation does NOT mean that you agree. You are simply acknowledging that the other person makes sense. We all make sense, and we all love to be validated.

  • When  triggered, simply say, “Let me see if Iʻm getting you, what I hear you saying is…”
  • The invitation is to be impeccable with your word. Don’t make assumptions.
  • Skillful communication builds bridges, eliminates walls (or perceived need for armor).
  • It honors the unique perspective of every person on the planet.
  • Invite others into your sovereign world and respectfully enter their worlds.
Build the bridge of connection now!
Please share your experience in the comments section below.
What is one dialogue you wish you could have and with whom?

Space for Grace: Enter Here Now

Space for Grace

Are you tired of being tired? I was. In order to harness the energy required to tend to my amazing life and engage lovingly and consistently with my husband, I invited space for grace to enter. From this S.P.A.C.E. of Soft, Positive, Active, Clear Energy, I entered a state of grace, of calm abiding. Here, I found I am more approachable, more supple. I softened my gaze. I hugged my beloved until I more fully relaxed, experienced comfort in my own skin, and came home to myself.

Remember daily practices

Here’s what I do: Regularly drink water and stay hydrated. Deeply breathe into my heart center. Fully exhale what is no longer needed in this moment. Willingly inhale the sweetness of this moment, right here, right now.  Then, my friend, when I do these things, I’m stepping into Command Central of my nervous system. My relationship with myself thrives, and so does my marriage.

Imago training to reclaim my lost self

During a training in Imago Relational Theory, I had the great good fortune of experiencing a jewel of British Columbia, the amazing metropolis of Vancouver. Here I continued the journey of healing my relationship with myself and learned essential practices to enhance my relational health coaching practice.

Per my mentor’s request, I entered the world of my lost self. Thinking about my childhood and what messages I got, I remembered how I was not encouraged to do sports, to be strong, to be successful. I wasn’t told not to, I just wasn’t encouraged to. So I entered the space for grace, dressed up as Serena Williams, and reclaimed my lost self of a strong athletic and driven woman who can succeed beyond measure.

This was many moons ago. Now I am paddling, running, spinning and going to Chisel class at the gym twice a week. My daily practice of yoga, meditation, and writing are more consistent than ever. I am both soft and strong. Strong back, soft front. Both structurally sound and vulnerable. Both, and.

As far as success, it waits for me across the street. I hear it, clearly, chirping in a language I understand, GO NOW.

As my dear friend Molly would say, I’m a bad-ass mama. I am reclaiming my wholeness.

Here’s a poem I wrote while in B.C., with a few modern edits. Please enjoy. Invite space for grace to enter; now.

unburden my heart

unburden my heart as i embark on adventure

prepare to discover myself anew

how do i want to sound, look, feel, interact

with all that is around me

 

big trees towering

fresh beauty flowering

Vancouver, glorious

the humming of commuters

entering the tunnel after a long awaited pause

a birth canal to a new self

 

Self, now whole

reuniting parts forgotten

reclaiming parts of my lost self

welcome home

 

willing to strengthen

willing to soften

move, sweat, write, pray

daily

practicing a daily practice

i preach

 

i can do it

my senses alert

i see the tv across 13th street

blurry

no need to focus in there

i hear the chirp of the crosswalk saying, GO NOW

gently –in another language–

i smell the coffee in the corner shop

rousing

 

since the poetic thoughts while driving have evaporated

trust the process of condensation and precipitation

the cycle of water is steady

constant

reliable

trustworthy

 

soft

positive

active

clear

energy

 

always available

infinitely accessible

readily ready

open my heartmind to it now

long time manifest

 

this calm abiding

a result of inviting space for grace

to enter into my heart

and work in a way

that is indeed,

miraculous

 

therefore, no longer am i

an afterthought

to myself

i am claiming it all

having fun

relaxing

hanging out

visible

 

cheering

always cheering

for love