Grief. Mass grief. Personal waves of it over the last five months. Both in-laws died within 2 weeks of each other last fall. My middle brother died this month. My dream of leading retreats with my husband died (years ago, though we’re still married and working through the pain of loss), I’ve been in denial about much of this.
Pain & Blessings
The pain of unhealed wounds, unmet needs, untreated addictions, all of this touches our lives at some point on this journey, whether we are aware of it or not. I’m aware. I’m moving into acceptance. And from there, I take action.
My husband and I keep it real by meeting each other where we are NOW. I get to learn how to be more patient with his grief process. I get to provide more space. Because, when my impatience meets his procrastination, I basically generate my own suffer.
So now I offer retreats to couples without my husband. I offer free classes at Tutu’s House without my husband. I write to release the pinch of dominant culture without expecting my beloved to co-author the book. I can recognize, as we grow old together, that “we are not me” and for that I am grateful.
I have more blessings in my life than I can say grace over, truly: nearly 30 years of continuous sobriety, nearly 22 years of conscious monogamy and dedicated marriage, and two adorable and brilliant and thriving young men who inspire me to shift the drift to create a more beautiful world my heart endeavors to believe is possible. If I just release the grip. And tenderize daily.
As I’m sitting here I’m experiencing pain in my right hip and confusion of the recent discovery of osteoarthritis. I just received my results from an X-ray last week indicating spurring of my hip and my mother says, “there’s nothing you can do about it.”
Where I’m from
Where I’m from is a Caucasian lineage of allowing pain to become suffering and generating a tone of stoic and psychic discontentment. My family doesn’t pay attention to vibes or energy or the transformative power of healing body/mind/soul. Now one discussed our interdependence. Somehow, I do.
Where I’d like to be
Where I’d like to be is feeling the feels, inviting the healing, all without manufacturing my own misery with a “woe is me” tone to my inner dialogue. I’d like to acknowledge the rigidity and frozenness of historical trauma caused by white body supremacy that lives in my White body. I’d like to understand how this lives in my cells, in my ancestors, and I’d like to be a part of the regenerative shift that needs to happen.
One thing I can do
One thing I can do to get me there is to lovingly acknowledge not only the pain, suffering and healing I’ve been through, but also honor what Black bodies go through, and vow to see how my experience can benefit others.
What Matters Most
What Matters Most is metabolizing the pain so that it doesn’t fester into suffering or resentment. Using anger as information and energy. Notice that boundaries need to be re-established and be willing to tolerate greater discomfort.
How can I be willing to set right what is wrong?
What can I do?
These are essential questions to contemplate for collective wellbeing.
I consider myself a Compassion Activist. And I experience anger. One thing that fuels my anger is the institutionalized racism that erodes the human soul and the respective communities that ripple out from the soul-sickness.
Anger and compassion are not mutually exclusive.
One thing I appreciate
One thing I appreciate is author, healer, trauma specialist Resmaa Menakem’s talk yesterday at the Science and Wisdom of Emotions summit about Somatic Abolitionism. He reminded us that Individual wokeness is insufficient, we must help others. Here’s some of the nuggets I gleaned from him and I strongly invite you to tune-in to him if this lands with you. He states:
Compassion is not for the feint at heart. It means you’ve been through some stuff and are able to touch some softness in yourself.The somatic collapses, constrictions and speediness in white body supremacy means we never slow down to feel it.We gotta feel it to heal it. We gotta grow compassion without doing a spiritual bypass and wanting everyone to just get along. Let’s dive into our “toybox” rather than our “toolbox” to do the essential healing required whatever the color of our skin.
What are you doing today to be the change you wish to see in the world?
Lately I’ve kept my discoveries and personal process to myself and I’ve received the universal nudge that I’ve got to keep sharing my thoughts about the regeneration needed for human hearts to endure this time of epic transformation and for all of us to thrive.
Hit reply and let me know if you, too, wish to heal your body, tenderize yourself heart, and take a stand to save the world.
