The power of love is notably felt in the romantic phase. Feeling powerful, free of pain, invincible and higher than high is an amazing life experience. Yet this experience eventually fizzles out; it’s not sustainable.
We can chase it; we can’t contain it.
Romantic love, and the stories we tell ourselves about it, pull us into the highest highs and push us into the deep funks.
Love is a powerful force indeed
In the early stages of our romance, we felt the chemical swirl of feel-good hormones and daring behaviors. The hot and steamy seduction connected us deeply. The pursuit of these passions dominated our days.
Then came the mental wrestling match: Is this really happening? Is this okay? Is this the right time? What about _____ (fill in the blank)? All of this mental meandering resulted in the back and forth, together/apart dance of our relationship.
You know what I’m talking about?
Then came the subsequent surrender. We fell, hard, in love. Hooked on the drug of love. Biological imperatives called the shots; we were hooked.
From here all things are possible
And it was complicated. I met Marc in 1997. There was a lot going on in graduate school as these flames of passion licked our beings. Rarely is falling in love a clean situation. Other people are often involved. Marc was married at the time. I was in the early stages of sobriety and wanted to treat people honorably; myself included.
Difficult decisions determined the future. We were tempted and waited. We slipped and slided. We merged and collided. We broke it off and waited. Divorce proceedings simple. I was blamed as the “other woman.”
During the lulls, the resultant longing and disappointment sometimes made me hurt so much I would wish I’d never even engaged.
My body’s wisdom knew this man could heal me in ways I couldn’t on my own. My body’s wisdom knew we would create amazing things together.
Surrendering to the wisdom of my body, I committed to the relationship. I quit stirring the worry pot and I let the mental meanderings settle, my soul softening to the moment.
Romance reminds me of my meditation practice
In romance, I’m falling in love with my wholeness. I see my wholeness when I look in my beloved’s eyes. I think it’s outside of me. It’s not.
In meditation I am searching for my wholeness. I think it’s outside of me. I realize it’s not.
In romance I feel blissed out; I can experience this in meditation also.
My mind, left unchecked, bounces back and forth between things I want more of and things I want less of. I praise people or I blame them (including myself). It is a dizzying game of push and pull. This game creates suffering.
This doesn’t get me where I want to go. When I’m caught up in praise and blame, I’m basically manufacturing my own misery.
Romance can do this, too, where we often-times stay stuck in blaming the other person. We get caught up in the power struggle and end up blaming our drug dealer (our lover). The very person who generated the feel-good chemicals in the brain, now becomes target for our disappointment because the feel-good chemicals of romance, to meet and mate and procreate, are not meant to last forever. We need to evolve to something more sustaining.
When my mind is freed of the burden of attraction and revulsion, I’m free to settle into the moment. Fresh moment. New awareness. Joy and freedom. This is the joyful journey I’ve discovered in my primary love relationship. I’ve moved beyond push and pull (for the most part) and settled into sustainable sweet connection. When we drift, we recalibrate back to this again and again. I believe in the power of love.
“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”
Here is a top-ten list complied by our family, Toby, Everett, Amy & Marc (TEAM) on 7/30/19. These are some of the golden threads that sustain our loving connection. Take what you can use and leave the rest behind.
1: Trust- Reliability, Safety, Respect, Freedom.
2: Communication- Being willing to
express needs and wants, “Thank you for asking for what you want/need.”
3: Honesty- open to each other, don’t
try to hide feelings, be respectful of each other’s ideas.
4: Meals- mealtime, weekend morning,
no rush, kitchen becomes a place of gathering.
5: Nature- spend time outdoors, go on
walks, take care of the earth.
6: Media-Free- device free at meals,
and no screens on Sundays.
7: Spontaneous Getaways- spend time
away from home, go on excursions together, and house-sit for friends.
8: Chore Day- one day a week we tackle
household chores- kitchen deep clean, bathrooms, vacuum and mop, gardening.
Daily chores (dishwasher, trash, recycling, compost, bed making, personal
hygiene) assigned from an early age.
9: Car-free Days- a chance to relax
and simply be.
10: Family meetings and meditation on
a weekly basis.
BUY MY NEW TRANSFORMATIONAL MEMOIR RELEASED 6/18/19 NOW:
Amy’s transformational memoir explores the journey from despair to repair and serves an invitation to us all to understand the distinctions of an extraordinary life through the lens of resilience, compassion, and service.
Picture
the meat tenderizer mallet in my mom’s hands. Hear the thud of the mallet on
the steaks on the counter. Again. The swinging and pounding of the mallet
repeats, tenderizing the meat. The mallet penetrates deeply. It looks
dangerous, but its purpose is to tenderize, to penetrate deeply, to make the
tough meat palatable. As so it is with memoir. Thoroughly overcooked, my story
sits, dried and tough. My past is marbled with drama and trauma; unappetizing
yet intricately laced in the meat of the story.
Believe me, I tried to digest it all; I chewed and chewed, yet the
blob stayed in my mouth, gag-reflex triggered. The undigested, flavorless meat,
grey and unappetizing, bothersome at best.
I spit it into a paper napkin and throw it away; yet there is no away.
Not with our life stories. They can clog our arteries and hurt us, or they give
us the choice to tenderize our hearts and fertilize the space between.
“Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine,”
Mary
Oliver reminds us.
Summers in Florida are hot. Period.
It all started as a moonshot.
It all started as a moonshot.
July of 1969, no exception. The forecast called for humidity, but
no thunderstorms, a crucial piece of data for determining the moonshot. JFK’s
imperative that man gets to the moon by the end of the decade generated
internal heat for beings around the world. This heat, for many, had the flavor
of mind-blowing, exhilarating optimism, and infinite potentialities. For
others, the heat took on a more negative charge; resentment that funds went
upward toward visionary aims instead of dealing with domestic issues down on
Earth like poverty and crime, down here in America.
Thankfully, my parents, gathered with family and friends on the
coast of Florida, celebrated the moonshot. They were in the exhilarated camp.
This was indeed extraordinary.
Dad got the coals ready on the Coleman BBQ while mom pounded the
meat tenderizer on the steaks. Steaks meant celebration. The neighbor, Susan,
shucked the ears of fresh picked Zellwood corn. Always around, always helpful,
Susan prepared the sides and desserts. More butter needed, always more butter
needed, Susan and butter were hand in hand. My mom prepared the main dish.
Everyone brought the booze.
My parents had, at this time, four children, ages 10 and under,
who ran down the beach, lighting fireworks and getting high off the energetic
buzz of excitement that historic night of the first lunar landing. The moon,
symbolic of the unconscious, loomed high in the sky, no longer a hope and a
wish.
We were, collectively, bridging the conscious with the
unconscious. This took place at a pivotal time. The moonshot, the Apollo
mission, was “the result of thorough research carried out by a successful team,
whose strength rises from a common thought made up of simple ideas, growing and
coming together in one dream, yours and ours.” I came across this description
on an ordinary clothing tag recently, but it sums up most worthwhile endeavors
in life.
It takes more than me. Simple ideas, common thought.
It takes more than me. Simple ideas, common thought.
The late 60s in American history, full of swirling energies of
change and possibilities, the fertile ground for greater consciousness, was the
birthplace of the moonshot, both for Neil
Armstrong
and for my conception. Suspended in a moment pregnant with possibilities, my
parents consummated this joy. The backdrop of the American culture, so
promising and inspiring, had a moment to shine. Those in power advocated
overcoming scarcity, fear, and negativity, and finding common ground. This
climate of greater consciousness, of human advancement, bathed my parents as
they made love.
The backdrop of my conception is creative non-fiction. I don’t
know if they ate steaks the night man landed on the moon, but it certainly goes
with the meat tenderizer concept. And you know what? It doesn’t matter. It
works. It works because tenderizing my heart makes for a more palatable
offering.
Where I’d like to be is offering you a tender, juicy, tasty offering of a life worth
living, in order to inspire you to see, in case you haven’t already, that your
life is worth living, extraordinarily so. I do not have to keep chewing the
bland steak, the old overcooked story.
Where I’m from, I tethered myself back to the reality and power of love.
As I’m sitting here, a tender, powerful, generous woman, my history, my story, sits
before me. My heart opens wider to a heart-centric life. I consciously choose
to tenderize my heart on a daily basis, to cover it with love, and let that
love spill out and make a mess. Tears come with tenderizing, and usually a good
bit of snot, and sometimes an imploding headache. I take a deep breath and
remember the wisdom of my body. The body speaks my mind, releases the pinch of
constriction, lets the blood flow freely to the sore spots, feels it to heal
it, and releases any issues stored in my tissues. I thank my body by taking
another deep breath.
What matters most is embracing the magic of choosing love over drama, or as we say
in Hawai’i, choosing aloha
over pilikia, trouble of any kind. In
the past, the troubles dominated my mental real estate, taking up the scenic
landscape with high-rise pillars of doom. I lost sight of the clouds, the
birds, the beautiful sunrise that happens every day without fail. In the past,
what it was like was I was adrift, spinning out of control at times while
exerting control in a grasping, constricting way. I trusted everything and then
nothing. Trust bled to mistrust and I landed in a psychological hell realm.
One thing I can do is recognize I am 100% responsible for my life’s story, and as
such, be source for a transformed world. I can integrate what happened in my
life and see how my experience does not define me.
One thing I appreciate is
that I’m on this incredible journey, this opportunity to live an extraordinary
life of love, connection and commitment. I can get out of those scary places in
my mind more quickly and with more grace than ever before. And truthfully, I
don’t enter them as often as I used to.
This is what it was like. Losing trust in myself, unable to focus on what mattered most, creating wreckage and losing faith in the carefree feeling of youth. My adolescence fostered resilience in me. Resilience of staying alive, strengthening my soul and returning to love, despite trying experiences that tested my trust.
from Moonshot: What was it like living in a culture devoid of rites of passage other than binge and puke and spread your legs? Naturally, my heart hurt, my soul ached, and my spirit floated lost. From this place of intensity, I developed incredible resilience. This is what happened: settling into sobriety, grounding into gratitude, and cultivating a compassionate heart, my mind cleared, my heart opened, my spirit reactivated, and my energy expanded. This is what it’s like now: breathing aloha into every moment, recognizing our interdependence, and claiming responsibility as a source for transformation, naturally, my grateful heart has more blessings than I can say grace over.
back cover
MOONSHOT ENDORSEMENTS
“Equal parts lyrical, confessional, and practical, Amy Elizabeth vulnerably uses her own journey through addiction and trauma to inspire readers to move beyond limiting beliefs and heal from the past” (Alicia Munoz, author of No More Fighting: 20 Minutes a Week to a Stronger Relationship)
“Moonshot is an elegant and visceral memoir that dares one to question one’s own resilience and courage. Indeed, Amy Elizabeth is as transparent as she appears in these pages. Love the interactive curriculum and its usefulness” (Kekuhi Keali’ikanaka’oleohaililani, trainer, Halau ‘Ohi’a).
“This work is the bridge between despair and repair. It is an invitation for women to tenderize our own hearts and to craft a new heart-centric story, the true story of who we are at our core” (Kristen Noel, editor-in-chief, Best Self Magazine).
“Nature did not design us to be alone. Evidence shows that people who enjoy close, fulfilling relationships with others are happier, healthier, and more creative. If this does not prompt you to the wonderful Moonshot, please reconsider. Highly recommended!” (Larry Dossey, MD, author of One Mind: How Our Individual Mind Is Part of a Greater Consciousness and Why It Matters).
“What an enchanting, captivating, beautiful, practical book! Based in personal experience and penetrating prose, Moonshot is meant for anyone who needs more love, empathy, and compassion in their life-and who doesn’t? Let Amy be your guide to a richer, deeper commitment-not just to others but to the world” (Barbara Montgomery Dossey, RN, PhD, FAAN, author of Florence Nightingale: Mystic, Visionary, Healer and Holistic Nursing: A Handbook for Practice).
It was our 17th wedding anniversary. We had a lovely “staycation” at a friends’ house, taking care of their dogs, enjoying quality time without kiddos or parents around. (We live in a house of 6 in case you didn’t know.)
I asked Marc what he wanted to do for our special time together.
He replied, “sleep in, make love, nap, eat.” In that order.
I snapped back, “you sound like you’re caught in the animal realm.” (I was judgy, Like he’s a dog or something.)
Oops. That bombed.
Criticism is the adult cry
What did I really want or need in that moment?
You see, the tender soft animal in me really wanted rest, sex, and food, too. But the highly motivated Go Getter in me wanted to GET SHIT DONE. Like editing my memoir, having our money talks, doing our podcast, etc. I needed my mind to settle before indulging in carnal pleasures.
At times, I get swallowed by the chronic doer inside of me. Thank God I have my husband to remind me to surrender into being.
WE ARE WOUNDED IN RELATIONSHIP AND WE CAN HEAL IN RELATIONSHIP.
From that tender place of being, we enjoyed an amazing weekend of connection, rest, sex (lots of it), food, and completed my wish-list, too.
Marc read the first three chapters of my memoir and offered feedback.
We had our challenging financial discussions and came together as a team.
We interviewed for the Soulful Couples podcast (stay tuned for a link to that later).
What happened you might ask? How did we switch from conflict to connection?
We remembered conflict is growth trying to happen.
I returned to tender, opened my heart, and surrendered.
Marc turned toward me instead of away, and returned to the bigger “we.”
It felt magical, but it’s not really. We are two consciously committed and lovingly connected humans who tenderly forgive ourselves for not being perfect and courageously express ourselves for what we really want. That is love.
Who are you when you surrender to your natural state of being, not doing?
On this mother’s day, may we remember that we have a choice in how we experience it.
On one hand we suffer, and at times we manufacture our own suffering, all while trying to buffer ourselves from the harshness of reality.
For example, I heard someone today describe how she has to fatigue herself with running twenty miles so that the penetrating struggles of life don’t get to her. And she is sick – has been all week – and can’t imagine not running. She barked at her daughter and left the restaurant without goodbye to her friends. Ouch.
Another alternate reality, is to live from our vision of love.
For example, a beautiful colleague, from a land far away, wrote to me last week and shared with me her vision of her marriage as a safe harbour and a launching pad.
She has troubles, too. We all do. And she lives from her vision.
I asked her to paint me a picture of the vision of what safe harbour and a launching pad, would look and feel like.
Her reply took my breath away, then I inhaled deeply, sweetly, it was so beautiful.
It so perfectly sums up my wish for all the mothers on mother’s day, for all of us looking for a more extraordinary relationship.
I’m going to share it here with the upmost gratitude, respect, and admiration.
I dedicate this blessing to all of us willing to show up to this moment, and this moment, and yet again.
To choose our vision (aloha) over our troubling stories pilikia).
May it inspire you as it has inspired me.
An anonymous mother’s day blessing to inspire you to dream…
of your own safe habour and launching pad of an extraordinary relationship…
I’d have more energy to bring to others.
I’d smile at more people.
I’d crave cake less.
I’d think of death and soften, instead of cringing.
I’d weep when I am sad, I’d laugh out loud even more than now.
I’d make love, and let my sexual energy flow into our sacred dance, using our physical meetings and matings as a crucible for growth, and as a keyhole into you, myself and us.
I’d be prettier. More radiant.
I’d insist on finishing our writing projects together and we would make the most of our very different and oh-so-sharp minds and tender hearts, birthing helpful articles to big newspapers occasionally.
I’d feel calmer about what our children carry into their own relational life.
I’d stand stronger, as the pain of others crashes into me.
I’d curl up with you, open-hearted and grateful, daring to bring my truth more often, and owning my shadows more easily.
Our garden would look even better, and find us playing more often.
I’d bring more energy to my curiosities, and my business, helping more people and doing so more effectively.
