Blog Archives | Page 19 of 20 | Amy Elizabeth, Master of Arts

August 13, 2018

Believe in the power of love

Why love matters is beyond simple description. Falling in love entices my embodied presence in incredible ways. Feeling powerful, free of pain, invincible and higher than high is an amazing life experience. Yet this experience eventually fizzles out; it’s not sustainable.

We can chase it; we can’t contain it.

Romantic love, and the stories I tell myself about it, pull me higher than I’ve ever been before and push me into deep funks.

Love is a powerful force indeed

In the early stages of our romance, we felt the chemical swirl of feel-good hormones and daring behaviors. The hot and steamy seduction connected us deeply. The pursuit of these passions dominated our days.

Then came the mental wrestling match: Is this really happening? Is this okay? Is this the right time? What about _____ (fill in the blank)? All of this mental meandering resulted in the back and forth, together/apart dance of our relationship.

You know what I’m talking about?

Then came the subsequent surrender. I fell, in love, hard. Hooked on the drug of love. Biological imperatives called the shots; we were hooked.

From here all things are possible

And it was complicated. There was a lot going on in graduate school as these flames of passion licked our beings. Rarely is falling in love a clean situation. Other people are often involved. Difficult decisions determine the future.

During the lulls, the resultant longing and disappointment sometimes made me hurt so much I would wish I’d never even engaged. My body’s wisdom knew this man could heal me in ways I couldn’t on my own. My body’s wisdom knew we would create amazing things together.

Surrendering to the wisdom of my body, I committed to the relationship. I quit stirring the worry pot and I let the mental meanderings settle, my soul softening to the moment.

Romance reminds me of my meditation practice

In romance, I’m falling in love with my wholeness. I see my wholeness when I look in my beloved’s eyes. I think it’s outside of me. It’s not. In meditation I am searching for my wholeness. I think it’s outside of me. I realize it’s not.

In romance I feel blissed out; I can experience this in meditation also.

My mind, left unchecked, bounces back and forth between things I want more of and things I want less of. I praise people or I blame them (including myself). It is a dizzying game of push and pull. This game creates suffering.

This doesn’t get me where I want to go. I’m basically manufacturing my own misery.

Romance can do this, too, but we oftentimes stay stuck in blaming the other person.

When my mind is freed of the burden of attraction and revulsion, I’m free to settle into the moment. Fresh moment. New awareness. Joy and freedom. This is the joyful journey I’ve discovered in my primary love relationship. I’ve moved beyond push and pull, for the most part, and settled into sustainable sweet connection. We recalibrate back to this again and again. I believe in the power of love.

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. Lao Tzu

July 31, 2018

Resolving Conflict Through Repair: Hoʻoponopono

I’m letting go of the notion that I’ll never hurt someone’s feelings. I invite you to do the same. I’ve lived with that intention and it didn’t get me healthier relationships.

In the past, I’ve walked on egg shells in the hopes I wouldn’t offend you. Twisting this way and that, try as I might, I simply couldn’t please everyone, all the time.

I’m happy to report that I’ve let go off this intention. I invite you to do the same. You know how slimy it feels when someone is trying to please you, yes? Naturally, the more I give myself space to be me, not who I think you want me to be, the more I can also cut you some slack and encourage you to be you.

Still, despite our best intentions, conflict happens. We hurt each other. There is a rupture in the space between, even with both of us being ourselves.

Some of the most important indicators a healthy relationship have to do with the intensity of the hurt/rupture and the immediacy of the repair.

We want less intensity and more immediate repair. We want to be tuned into each other from a place of self-acceptance.

Hurt people hurt people. The intensity can be severe, the repair non-existent, and then the frequency quite often. We must heal.

When (not if) I hurt someone, I feel a shift in my body. I have a choice to react or respond. Today I choose, as much as I can, to respond. When I have this response-ability, I can often stop myself from saying or doing something regretful.

I calm myself down by taking a few deep breaths, and use my body as a guide for staying present in the moment. This lessens the intensity of the rupture/conflict. Deep breathing heals.

I remind myself gently it’s okay to feel uncomfortable. This, too, shall pass. I tend to myself with self-compassion. Later I walk or maybe take a hot bath.

In the past, I ran from discomfort which only fanned the flames of negativity. It didn’t resolve the issues at hand. I’d be caught in the eddy of guilt and swallowed in the quicksand of shame. This was way worse that eggshell walking I mentioned earlier.

Guilt reminds me I did something wrong and I do what I can to fix it. It can be my teacher. I can get out of the eddy and get back into the flow of life.

Shame tells me I am something wrong and I truly believe it is toxic. It can be my tormentor. It’s an inside job, healing the shame; a job I find incredibly worthwhile.

Many people are conflict avoidant, they don’t want to hurt or be hurt. I haven’t seen that work too well. The negative energy builds up and growth gets truncated. Remember, conflict is growth trying to happen. It’s kinda like the birth canal. Dark and dank and sometimes terrifying, we can come out on the other side of conflict stronger and healthier.

Think of welding, the process actually strengthens the bond. Let’s become unbreakable. The beautiful opportunity to repair the space between is a skill we as humans must learn because we’re not perfect. And we can’t expect ourselves to be.

In Hawaiʻi, there is a beautiful relationship healing practice called hoʻoponopono. Hoʻoponopono means to correct. Pono means excellence, wellbeing, true condition or nature. To return to this sense of well-being is the spirit behind this traditional practice.

These are the essential ingredients needed in resolving conflict through repair:

I’m sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

I love you.

Isn’t that enough?

July 27, 2018March 30, 2021

Faith and Developing a Buddha Brain

Developing a Buddha Brain one simple practice at a time. Without faith in the world and in yourself, life feels shaky and scary. Rick Hanson, PhD, neuropsychologist, tells us why faith is important.

Try a little experiment: in your mind or out loud, complete this sentence a few times: “I have faith in __________.” Then complete another sentence a few time: “I have no faith in _________.” What do faith–and no faith–feel like?

In your experience of faith, there’s probably a sense of trusting in something — which makes sense since the word comes from the Latin root, “to trust.” (“Faith” can also mean a religion, but my meaning here is more general.) Faith feels good. To have confidence is to have faith; “con+fide” means “with+faith.”

Faith comes from direct experience, reason, trusted sources, and sometimes from something that just feels deeply right and that’s all you can say about it. You could have faith in both biological evolution and heaven. Sometimes faith seems obvious, like expecting water to yield each time you prepare to dive in; other times, faith is more of a conscious choice–an act of faith–such as choosing to believe that your child will be all right as he or she leaves home for college.

What do you have faith in–out there in the world or inside yourself?

For example, I have faith in the sun coming up tomorrow, my partner while rock climbing, science or scholarship, the kindness of strangers, the deliciousness of peaches, the love of my wife, God, and the desire of most people to live in peace. And faith in my determination, coffee-making skills, and generally good intentions.

In your brain, faith (broadly defined to include assumptions and expectations) is an efficient way to conserve neural resources by not figuring out things each time from scratch. The visceral sense of conviction in faith integrates prefrontal logic, limbic emotion, and brainstem arousal.

Without faith in the world and in yourself, life feels shaky and scary.

Faith grounds you in what’s reliable and supportive; it’s the antidote to doubt and fear. It strengthens you and supports you in weathering hard times. It helps you stay on your chosen paths, with confidence they will lead to good places. Faith fuels the hope and optimism that encourage the actions that lead to the results that confirm your faith, in a lovely positive cycle. Faith lifts your eyes to the far horizons, toward what’s sacred, even Divine.

This is chapter 16, Have Faith, in Rick Hanson’s gem of a book entitled, Just One Thing, developing a buddha brain one simple practice at a time

Visit him https://www.rickhanson.net/

Buddha's Brain book — Buddha’s Brain : Rick Hanson

Join us Saturday, April 3 at noon Pacific for this exploration of faith

trust + focus + repair = faith

Amy E is inviting you to a scheduled Zoom meeting.

Topic: Monthly Variety Hour on What Matters Most in Relational Health

Join Zoom Meeting

July 20, 2018July 21, 2018

Focus and Finish and Feel the Joy

How do I focus? I begin with lovingkindness meditation. How do I finish? I pace myself by setting 3 most important things per day. Let’s be clear, these are things I can focus on, things in my hula hoop. Lovingkindness and focus on self brings more skillful means with others.

Then I’m not focused on the things my husband is or isn’t doing, or anyone else for that matter. I shine the light of mindfulness on what is surrounding me. Period. Then I’m way more loving and a lot less judging.

staying in my own hula hoop is important

Setting my twenty minute timer is changing my life.

“Siri, set timer for twenty minutes.” This is my most frequent phone request. I use it for writing, for yoga, for walking, for cleaning; it is a great gentle kick in the pants, I can then bust a move. A true momentum builder, because once I do one thing, I’m charged up for more.

I can do anything for twenty minutes.

Narrowing the window of time with which I measure things means I’m way more focused, therefore I finish way more things. Oftentimes I feel way more joy.

My life is riddled with good intentions and at times, they create high-strung intensity and overwhelm. These are wake up calls to me to focus on what matters most. Inhale. Exhale. Pace.

My habitual frenzy of activity isn’t getting me where I want to be. Calm. Lovable. Loving. I tend to over-commit and under-deliver.

Many of us believe there is not enough time, and this causes internal conflict. I must make the right choice, now! I must finish my to-do list! Therefore, I take on too much responsibility and too much busyness and self-care takes a back seat to striving.

A life spent striving leads to a life of strife.

What matters most to me is the quality of my relationships. I give twenty minutes of undivided attention (read: no devices) to my beloveds and it fertilizes the space between us. Sharing a cup of tea without distraction infuses premium love to my relationship.

Slowing down to the transitions of the day, celebrating good morning with a snuggle, good-bye with a kiss, greeting with a kindness, and goodnight with a gratitude. Focus and finish and feel the joy.

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June 27, 2018July 3, 2018

When loving you is hurting me

When loving you is hurting me, I can soften to the situation at hand and allow it to tenderize my heart. Healthy, loving relationships require each person to be responsible for healthy boundaries, clear communication, and self-care.

action based on pure intention

Love is a verb, an action based on pure intention. In my nervous system wiring, part of how I learned to love is to take care of you. If you feel good, then my nervous system relaxes and I feel good. This learning did not get me where I wanted to go. This is a wee bit enmeshed and dare I say, unhealthy. Remember, healthy, loving relationships require each person to be responsible for healthy boundaries, clear communication, and self-care.

a kindness, unwelcome, is an unkindness

I’m growing ever more aware of my own tendency to rush in to “fix” people. Recognizing I can be okay even if you are not okay allows me to be more tender in the moment. A kindness, unwelcome, is an unkindness. You see, much of the time people don’t want to be “fixed.” Oftentimes they want to be seen and heard and sometimes held.

somehow responsible

My energetic field is rather attuned to what is going on around me. I sense it in my body. I can tell if someone is okay or not. My problem is I then conclude that I am somehow responsible for getting that person back to “ok-ness.”

Call me an empath, call me sensitive, call me what you will, I have come to think this quality I hold (and perhaps you do, too?) can be both a blessing and a curse. I would rather it be a blessing, so I do what needs to be done to maintain clear boundaries. I can enjoy tuning in without charging up and going into fix-it-mode.

even if my intentions are good

When loving you is hurting me, when I feel I am going down a spiral of negativity with you, I need to seriously wake up and change something. I speak out against abuse or mistreatment. I advocate for assertive and clear communication rather than passive aggressive and cloudy communication.

I once heard a story of someone so eager to help that she became an ambulance driver. Hyped up on the speed of helping, she ended up running over innocent pedestrians on her way to help. This begs the question, is doing what I am doing really helping? Is it hurting the other person and/or myself, even if my intentions are good?

ironically, everything is then okay

Quite simply, instead of rushing in with what I think is best, with what I think the other person needs, instead, I ask, How can I help? Truly I can simply ask. I can be present with another’s pain in a way that can be healing. When I no longer reject that person or his experience, AND I no longer reject myself and expect “ok-ness,” ironically, everything is then okay.

June 3, 2018June 20, 2018

Pele’s Lessons I’m (still) learning from the Fire Goddess, after losing my cool

Right now, as I type this, we have a lot of volcanic activity going on nearby. I feel it. The earth shakes, the air quality shifts; I am too far away to see the glow in the sky or to witness lava flowing across the road, but it is happening. This quickening of the energetics of the earth, the presence of tutu Pele, is part of my incredible experience living here in Hawaiʻi.

Conflict is growth trying to happen.

We are inspired by the creation of new land, where else is in the world is this happening? Awed by the magnetics of the energetic exchange, we feel major momentum and a collective waking up to focus of what matters most.

That magma which has been boiling underground is coming to the surface in varying capacities. Pele is present. Aʻa lava is chunky and sharp, incredibly hot and noxious. Pahoehoe is smooth and flowing. Fountains are shooting up to tickle the heavens. Peleʻs hair and tears are floating and falling. Ash soars high and spreads wide.

Pele in the relational field is powerful.

Why I am sharing this with you? Perhaps because we need to recall that energy of creation and destruction is within us all.

I ask us each to pause and pay attention.

Where am I creating new boundaries, new terrain, new land?
Where am I destroying existing structures (and is this necessarily a bad thing)?

Moving here from the Mainland, I was willing to leave behind a lot of “things,” destroying some of the existing structures of dominant culture, as I moved more fully into new terrain: simplified, intentional living, sharing resources with my in-laws.

My hair dye, nail polish, and underwire bras stayed behind, my hurriedness and impatience came with me.

The goddess Pele reminds me to slow down. Hustling to yoga on the beach a few years ago, I tripped on lava and cut up my foot and was on crutches for a month. I know, the irony of hustling to yoga… Pele speaks, I listen, humbly. No need hurry.

I am human; sometimes I lose my cool.

Yesterday, I erupted after a build up of pressure and underground rumblings. I recognized that underneath the eruption with my mother-in-law was an intention to be supportive, as well as a smidgen of fear, a dose of righteousness, and a dollop of dismay. (I also was hungry — I hadn’t eaten breaky or had my coffee and I was running late to get my son to the dentist.)

The noxious concoction flowed out of me, aʻa style, like the chunky, hot, sharp aʻa lava, despite my (best) intention to express loving concern. (The storyline is rather irrelevant.)

I raised my voice, cussed, turned away, and dismissed her experience. It was painful to us both. I caused more harm than good in that moment. Pele reminds me to recognize my vapors can be toxic, that I need space and air — and I need to slow down — most noteworthy so I don’t vaporize others or hurt myself.

The vent released built up pressure.

We danced awkwardly toward and away from each other, in a confusing array of fountaining detritus. Maybe we both felt hurt.

Space, breath, prayer, processing and a willingness to clean up my side of the wreckage enabled me to see that perhaps this was new earth being formed–a new boundary set with my relative.

I recall the basics of hoʻoponopono.

I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.

In conclusion, I offer this to myself and to my mother-in-love, in my prayers and in an email (even though we live together). Now I offer it to you. Give yourself space. Allow for forgiveness. Remember that conflict is growth trying to happen. See relationships blog for more on this.

Thank you, Pele.