A contemplative pause in the daily grind makes everything worthwhile again.
One of my favorite contemplative practices that I learned back in graduate school at Naropa in 1997 is called Aimless Wandering. It honestly felt like the first time in my life I was encouraged to “go no where” while being fully engaged and aware of myself and my surroundings. I could release attachment to arriving somewhere. Unbeknownst to me, this antidoted the “arrival fallacy” which meant I was free to go where, with no rush, no finish line, no agenda.
Aimless Wandering felt tricky at first because I was previously hellbent on getting somewhere else–fast. The hustle and bustle of my mind slowly slowed as I centered my movements on my core value which is serenity.
Saying hello to my mother-in-law each time I see a butterfly brings me back to serenity. Before she died, we watched a newly emerged butterfly take her first flight. I named her Ahonui. In the language of Hawai’i this means:
The great breath. Long suffer. Endurance. Butterflies bumble along, seemingly without direction. They embody aimless wandering to my delighted and grateful heart.
Here’s what I say yes to with wild abandon:
A quiet walk staring at clouds.
A pause to water the garden.
An opportunity to aimlessly wander–why not?
So it’s been a big minute since I posted here. Thanks for reading.
W.A.I.T. Why Am I Talking? When is the last time you let yourself surrender to silence and stillness?
It’s been a minute or so for me, so I’m listening to my na’au (my intuition) and the full-bodied yes that is taking me and my family to Thailand for a 10-day silent meditation retreat here.
Join me (in Spirit) anytime between December 29-January 10 to drop into deep contemplation. Let’s sit in silence and stillness together, even if we are miles apart, together, we shift the drift of dominant culture. Here’s some of my thoughts, influenced by my studies of and transformational interpersonal work in Hawai’i lifeways & healing White Body Supremacy and Somatic Abolitionism.
Dominant Culture has these common characteristics:
Perfectionism Sense of Urgency and Optics Defensiveness Either/or Thinking Power Hoarding Individualism Intention to control & dominate nature Linear understanding where everything is separate
Through our contemplation we can move toward greater Unity and accessing the wisdom of the tender heart, in order to better…
Trust yourself to no longer abandon yourself Focus on your part in the nightmare Repair your part and drop stones of resentment Have faith and joyful commitment in constant trust of the power of prayer to ease the burden and enhance the beauty of everyday life. Hold Spirituality in high regard Change occurs as part of a cycle in nature Steward the land and live in harmony with nature Be indigenous to your own heart.
[As a certified Imago Relationship Therapist, and as a wife of nearly 20 years, I vow to create conscious partnerships in my life and my work. I owe a debt of gratitude to Harville & Helen and invite you to check out their work below and find an Imago Professional near you. Reach out to me for in-person retreats in Hawaii and/or if you are comfortable doing Zoom sessions. Relational health is an extraordinarily wise investment. Aloha, Amy]
Guest blog: Harville & Helen Hendrix:
The Birth of Real Love
When we fall in love, suddenly we see life in technicolor. We nibble each other’s ears and tell each other everything; our limitations and rigidities melt away. We’re sexier, smarter, funnier, more giving. Now we feel whole, we feel like ourselves, we are connected.
But inevitably–whether we marry or move in together– things just start to go wrong. The veil of illusion falls away, and it seems that our partners are different than we thought they were. It turns out they have qualities that we can’t bear. Even qualities we once admired grate on us. Old hurts are reactivated as we realize that our partners cannot or will not love and care for us as they promised. Our dream shatters and we feel disconnected.
Disillusionment turns to anger.
Since our partner no longer willingly give us what we need, we change tactics, trying to coerce our partners into caring–through anger, crying, withdrawal, shame, intimidation, criticism–whatever works. The power struggle has begun, and may go on for many years, until we split, or we settle into an uneasy truce living often parallel lives, or until we seek help, desperate to feel alive again, to have our dream back and feel reconnected.
What we need to understand and accept is that conflict is supposed to happen. This is as nature intended it: everything in nature has a polarity and is in tension. The hard truth is that the grounds for marriage is really incompatibility; it is the norm for relationships. Conflict needs to be understood as a given, a sign that the psyche is trying to survive, to get its needs met, and paradoxically, to restore feeling connected. It’s only without this knowledge that conflict is destructive.
Romantic love is supposed to end.
It is the glue that initially bonds two incompatible people together to do what needs to be done to heal each other, and in the process, heal the rifts in nature caused by our earlier experiences. The good news is that the power struggle is also supposed to end. The emotional bond that is created by romantic love to keep partners together through the hard times evolves into a powerful organic bond through the process of resolving conflict. This is our opportunity to move from an Unconscious Relationship to a Conscious Relationship.
A Conscious Relationship is not for the faint-hearted, for it requires learning more effective coping mechanisms than the crying or anger or withdrawal which have become so habitual for us. It means reconnecting through Dialogue, stretching to give our partners what they need to heal.
This is not easy, but it works.
Regardless of what we may believe, relationships are not born of love, but of need; real love is born in relationships. You are already with your dream partner, but at the moment, he or she is in disguise. A Conscious Relationship itself is the therapy you need to restore your sense of aliveness and connectivity and set you on the path of real love.
[As a certified Imago Relationship Therapist, and as a wife of nearly 20 years, I vow to create conscious partnerships in my life and my work. I owe a debt of gratitude to Harville & Helen and invite you to check out their work below and find an Imago Professional near you. Reach out to me for in-person retreats in Hawaii and/or if you are comfortable doing Zoom sessions. Relational health is an extraordinarily wise investment. Aloha, Amy]
About Harville and Helen
Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph. D are partners in life and work. Together, they have written over 10 books, including three New York Times bestsellers. Harville and Helen co-created Imago Relationship Therapy to promote the transformation of couples and families by creating relational cultures that support universal equality.
Imago Relationships Worldwide
Talk. Listen. Connect
Getting the love you want, keeping the love you find and connecting securely and deeply with your partner, these are the goals of Imago Relationship Therapy. We can help you to resolve conflict while staying connected. Deepening intimacy in a safe space invites vulnerability. Communicating effectively with your partner is key to maintaining a long and rewarding relationship. Sharing a life together means meeting and conquering obstacles as a couple while expressing uncertainties and frustrations constructively. Imago professionals offer therapy and educational workshops for individuals and couples throughout the world.
For more information on Imago therapists, workshops or trainings worldwide, please visit www.ImagoRelationships.org.
Let’s face it, there’s no denying the level of heartache around the planet presently. Many of us long to live whole-hearted and yet we feel that when life gets lifey, exhaustion overwhelms us, and keeps us stuck in negativity & grief.
Let’s take a moment and focus on what your tender heart can do. Sign up:
Let’s step in the command central of our nervous system with the support of some trusted guides, hand-picked friends of mine who are transformational coaches, all of us are ready to pour into you so your cup runneth over.
This virtual love offering supports you in developing key practices to ground in the peaceful paradise wherever you are. This is important for us all to do right now, particularly if you’re feeling the trauma and the drama is too much and you want more aloha and compassion: this is the place for you.
Here’s a schedule so you can join us for what resonates:
8am: Power of Sovereignty: Amy Elizabeth will offer warm welcome, tune-up, breath-work and launch ignition of the 3 power centers in each of us to get the most out of this mini-retreat.
9am: Power Center of the Mind: Alexandra Deubner from Vienna, Austria leading us in a beautiful visualization and Moonshot Meditation to help you energetically align with what matters most to your head.
10am: Power Center of the Heart: Tia Christiansen from New Hampton, Massachusetts guiding us in a cosmic smash booking exercise to help fuel your creative fire and energetically align with what matters most to your heart.
11am: Power Center of the Core: Mark Van der Gaag from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania inspiring shift and making miracles happen to help you energetically align with what matters most to your soul.
This half-day mini-retreat is an opportunity to recharge your batteries.
Please take what you can use and leave the rest.
This is designed to uplight you, not drain you further.
Sign on when/if you can and come and go as needed.
This is a love offering and any payment, now or later, is welcome and appreciated.
Where are you from originally and where do you reside now?
Central Florida, Big Island Hawaii
If you currently reside somewhere besides where you were born, what’s the story that lead from there to here?
I escaped the tropic of torpor of Florida and journeyed to the Rocky Mountains and on to the Pacific Northwest, with my soul leading the way. I needed warmth, and Hawaii beckoned me home to myself. I resonate deeply with the notion of Kapu Aloha, sacred compassion, that fills the island consciousness with great healing and presence.
What made you decide to write and publish your first book?
To be of maximum service to God and my fellows. If I didn’t write and publish this memoir, it was going to eat me alive. It is still gnawing at me, but less aggressively.
How would you describe your books to first time readers?
A transformational memoir full of grit and grace and gratitude. The journey into dark neighborhoods of the human mind and shedding light on the shadowy corners of human experience. A poetic heart-felt perspective of the Divine Feminine that human consciousness embraces.
Who do you feel is most likely to connect with the topics you write about?
People who recognize they are addicted to substances or behaviors that are getting in the way of their extraordinary lives. People who are willing to be responsible for living an extraordinary life of resilience, compassion and service. People who want to know there is no challenge too great or no trauma too debilitating to overcome and be of service. Yoginis, Buddhists, holistic practitioners, recovering Americans.
What unexpected or surprising thing did you learn during the process of writing and publishing?
Balboa Press told me mentioning my brothers bought me booze when I was underage or mentioning the Catholic Church could raise issues of libel and they encouraged me to cut it from the manuscript or use a pseudonym.
If you could, what advice would you give to your past self before embarking on this journey?
write it earlier
people thought I was too young to write a memoir in my 40s.
this is untrue.
to read the rest of this interview visit authorvoices.com or simply click this link
