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As humans, we mess up, just look around. There’s a lot to feel guilty for. The tendency I grew up with was to feel guilty and then blame myself for whatever mess met me at the front door of my heart.
Intensity of Life
Basically I carried the weight of the world on my shoulders. I tried to soothe myself by getting chip-faced with a pint of Ben -n- Jerry’s ice cream. None of this got me where I wanted to me: a positive point of power and light on this planet.
Listen to the difference:
If you’re anything like me, you let that blame, stemming from the guilt of doing something wrong, fester into toxic shame. Then comes the shameful story of being something wrong.
doing something wrong/bad (that’s guilt)
being something wrong/bad (that’s shame)
Guilt is a Guide
Guilt is a guide when I pause to honor the wisdom within the warm wash of ick. It is vital information that I’m obviously not on the right path. I get to pivot and recalibrate.
Pause. Breathe. Reset.
I pause, breathe, reset. I ask myself these self-inquiry questions, with compassionate curiosity:
Reality check: What really happened here?
What have I done wrong?
Could I do something differently?
What needs my attention?
Can I repair here?
The next time your feel that warm wash of guilt, I invite you to Pause. Breathe. Reset. Contemplate the questions.
Let me know how this lands for you.
Big love & tenderness,
Amy
Amy Elizabeth Gordon, MA|Relationship Doula
My favorite quote lately:
“Combatting hatred” is combatting a symptom.
~Charles Eisenstein
p.s. Mark your calendar for Friday, August 20th at noon Pacific time for the Masterclass on ENERGY, with my special guest, Kekuhi.
My intentions are pure, or so I think. But you know what the road to hell is paved with, right?
We may have the best ideas and hold the right intentions, but what is the conduct? What are the results?
While the world judges us by our actions; we judge ourselves by our intentions.
For example, when I take an honest look at some past behaviors,
My intention wasn’t to make love to a married man, it was to feel pleasure and release. But my action? Sleeping with a married man.
My intention wasn’t to steal money from my job, it was to treat my friends to a good time at Disney and enjoy the expansive wave of generosity. But my action? Stealing from my employer.
My intention wasn’t to drive our family into bankruptcy, it was to expand my knowledge of myself and others. But my actions meant I continued to spend beyond my earnings, enrolling in more coaching and leadership programs and traveling from the middle of the Pacific Ocean weighted by major credit card balances.
It is important to note that I’ve made amends for my transgressions. And I’ve forgiven myself and refused to blame others. And I received support on this journey of transformation.
My intention is to be a good and trustworthy person, my mind craves peace, and my heart’s desire is to experience joy. Yet when actions don’t align with intentions, it is impossible to trust self or others.
There is no peace or joy when I put my head to the pillow full of guilt, regret, or shame.
Luckily, there is an alternative to this type of (self-generated) suffering.
The time is now to re-imagine our relationships with Self, Other, Spirit. Today, I act in greater alignment with my intentions. Yet I’m far from perfect. But here are 3 simple steps that help me immensely.
Pause.
Breathe.
Reset.
Pause. Breathe. Reset.
Pause and consider your intentions today.
Breathe sweetly and exhale completely.
Reset the story you tell yourself to align your actions and your intentions and live with greater integrity.
Let me know how this is for you and what support looks like.
My relationship with boundaries is defined by ebb and flow, yes and no, rise and fall.
You and me make we. Yet we are not me. And our collective trauma in the relational biosphere prompts climate change. The good news of global warming is we are melting the frozen energy of trauma stuck in our cells. We learn resilience by expressing an unguarded heart and offering unconditional love in our boundaries with others.
What becomes available to us when we relinquish a winner take all mentality?
Surrender to win?
A perforated armor lets the lungs expand. A pock-marked shield opens the guarded heart. An aerated dead-pan patch of soil allows nutrients to deepen and sustenance to grow. An open gate edified with structural supports builds shelter. An empty field sprinkled with stalwart sentinels creates shade from an unrelenting sunshine. A vast salty ocean peppered with islands of aloha provide ground.
My hurts | Our hurts.
Seamlessly the scars beautifully trace the border between you and me. And we nourish each other in the deeper knowing that this border has no border–it is fluid. This river of unconsciousness between us mingles with collaborative memories and individual sorrows–universal dreams and desires and the illusion of independent suffering. This river, complete with banks of order and chaos, rigidity and creativity–this is where we swim–we float–ideally face up–in sweet surrender to the flow.
Our haunts | My haunts.
The flow between yes and no, swell and slack, the king and neap tides of connection and intimacy. Dropping the armor of a protected heart brings true freedom from want and Presence. Our True Nature. Feel the aching haunt and squishy mystery. And the expansive quality of being tender. And more powerful than ever.
Grounding in gratitude for what is and what isn’t is the most powerful spiritual practices out there. Here’s a personal/family update regarding gratitude and an invitation.
family update
We flew for the first time in many moons when we went to Kauai for a summer holiday a few weeks ago. We explored the gorgeous and sacred Na Pali Coast by boat and trail. We played hard. We breathed gratitude for the majesty of Mother Earth, Papa Sky, and the Gods of the Ocean.
We made it home safely from our trip and the next day Everett, our 17-year-old son, developed pain in his right lower abdomen. My intuition guided me to take him to the hospital for an Emergency Room visit, CT scan, then surgery to remove his appendix.
Grounding in gratitude the whole time, when I felt the rug pulled out from under me after 2 hours of sleep. The surgeon showed me photos of an unexpected liver mass on Everett’s young body he discovered during surgery.
Shock. Uncertainty. Conviction.
Settling solidly on the conviction that everything is going to be okay no matter what, I was grateful beyond measure. The belief in my ability to be present and attentive and non-reactive was solid and soft and powerful. Okay, sure, I admit that I sobbed, but then it cleared my head to ask what’s next? (Flying to Oahu for MRI on Thursday).
I’m choosing to let go of right or wrong about whether the surgeon should have biopsied the mass while he was in there. I’m choosing gratitude for Ev’s health. I’m choosing gratitude for this discovery now, and adopting compassionate curiosity of what’s next?
invitations
Invitations: Take a few moments to ask yourself: Where in your life do you choose being grateful over being right? Where do you hunger for ease and less worry? Where do you get your energy to keep on keeping on when life gets lifey?
You’re invited to join us next Friday for the Distinctions of Extraordinary Living Masterclass on Reactivation. Everett is once again our special guest.
When I think of religion, I consider the definition: “a pursuit or interest to which someone ascribes supreme importance.”
My religion is gratitude. I ascribe the practice of gratitude supreme importance in my life. I feel grounded when I’m in gratitude for what is, and grateful for what isn’t.
My favorite quote of the week
“The answer to who is right
and who is wrong is who cares?”
~ Terry Real, Ecology of Relationships
Big love & tenderness,
Amy
p.s. Let me know if you plan to join our July Masterclass on REACTIVATION with my special guest, Everett Gordon.
<this post is a featured guest blog from my beloved friend, Deva, who is traveling from Georgia to Lebanon>
OPEN
Open. It’s a very physically descriptive word that has a whole lot of metaphysically descriptive meaning. The physicality of, say, a simple open door is what we’re greeted with on this plane. But when we dive deeper into all that open door can stand for and allow for, well, there’s an infinite realm of possibilities to explore.
SUMMARY
And I do want to elaborate on that open door in this moment. As human creatures we can more easily discuss things that are tethered to this tactile world. Openness as a state of being may be less relatable in moving through. Secondly, I want to discuss that door as our very own door, again, not to make it otherworldly and distant. It is our door right here in this moment. Thirdly, we can’t speak of closed doors without reflecting on states of distrust and when we speak of open doors we are also speaking into trust.
PART I
In first considering the open door in relation to ourselves, consider the world and the inflow of the world into our open door, into our lives. There is verdant growth and tragic wars and endless waves crashing, and these things carry on outside our doors, so to open our door can lead to welcomed beauty just as easily as it can to unwanted misery. Do we trust to open our door to all of this? Sometimes it’s not even about trust, the door just slams open and in comes a surprising windfall or an unwanted atrocity, or both packaged as one.
TRUST
How do we get to the place of trust where we’re ready to let the world in through our open door? Well, that’s enough for another essay. But, yes, trust in self, other and source, as dear Amy always says, is a great place to start.
As I write, I am in Lebanon and here, and all across the Arab-speaking world, you greet people coming into your home with ‘marhaban bikoum.’ ‘Marhaban’ is the ‘welcome’ part of the greeting and ‘bikoum’ is essentially ‘you’ in plural form. This plural you is used no matter whether you are welcoming one person or many.
When I first studied classical Arabic in Fez, Morocco, my teacher told us that the plural you is always used. This is because culturally they recognize that everyone on this planet is walking around with two angels. Your good graceful angel on one shoulder and your dark little sinning angel on the other shoulder. No matter which one happens to be speaking into the ear of your guest, you welcome ALL into your home. When you can say ‘marhaban bikoum’ to any guest, you’ve built the just right amount of trust and courage to go through your open door and out into the world.
But if the world is too much, stay a while longer inside. Be tender. Be patient. Brew or stew. Do what needs to be done or undone until the world is not enough. Then the hunger and confidence and trust are all overflowing to the point you’re ready to burst. Then go be out in the world.
INTERLUDE
I like how if you let your eyes go soft and blur across the word ‘OPENNESS’ it almost reads as ‘ONENESS.’
PART II
That’s the second part of what our open door allows for; it doesn’t just let the world in, it also releases us into the world. We can show ourselves – any version – and grow tall as the eucalyptus in the sunshine. Or slither under a dark casino table. Going out through that open door often requires a full belly, a loudly thumping heart and fists full of courage. But it can also be as simple as sleepwalking, youthfully tumbling out with your lover’s palm in yours. Or a daring leap over that threshold. You certainly don’t want to be dragged out that open door. It can happen but if we’re not ready, it’s too raw and intrusive. We’ll go right back in, likely slamming the door closed behind us until trust can grow back again, if ever.
PART III
As with all things, the open door offers us a metaphor. It is both two converging and two opposing forces we are constantly dancing with. You can choose to see all negativity with going out into the world, and also see all negativity with eternally staying inside your dear door. Every moment we find ourselves with one foot in or one foot out, and then pivoting endlessly. And, in the end, it’s likely that there’s door after door, after door, eternally, not just the one. Realms and multiverses of them, enough for a Harry Potter-Inception hybrid brain explosion. Phew!
But navigating the eternal state of openness, whether easy or hard, with whatever angel on your shoulder is loudest, is best done, in my opinion, with trust in one hand and courage in the other.
Marhaban bikoum!
~ M. Deva Jebb-Albaba Wednesday, June 22nd, 2021 Tripoli, Lebanon
Here are some more ways to connect with this beautiful soul, Deva:
