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Boundaries

boundaries

My relationship with boundaries is defined by ebb and flow, yes and no, rise and fall.

You and me make we. Yet we are not me. And our collective trauma in the relational biosphere prompts climate change. The good news of global warming is we are melting the frozen energy of trauma stuck in our cells. We learn resilience by expressing an unguarded heart and offering unconditional love in our boundaries with others.

What becomes available to us when we relinquish a winner take all mentality?

Surrender to win?

A perforated armor lets the lungs expand. A pock-marked shield opens the guarded heart. An aerated dead-pan patch of soil allows nutrients to deepen and sustenance to grow. An open gate edified with structural supports builds shelter. An empty field sprinkled with stalwart sentinels creates shade from an unrelenting sunshine. A vast salty ocean peppered with islands of aloha provide ground.

My hurts | Our hurts.

Seamlessly the scars beautifully trace the border between you and me. And we nourish each other in the deeper knowing that this border has no border–it is fluid. This river of unconsciousness between us mingles with collaborative memories and individual sorrows–universal dreams and desires and the illusion of independent suffering. This river, complete with banks of order and chaos, rigidity and creativity–this is where we swim–we float–ideally face up–in sweet surrender to the flow.

Our haunts | My haunts.

The flow between yes and no, swell and slack, the king and neap tides of connection and intimacy. Dropping the armor of a protected heart brings true freedom from want and Presence. Our True Nature. Feel the aching haunt and squishy mystery. And the expansive quality of being tender. And more powerful than ever.

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trust yourself first

trust

Trust yourself to no longer abandon yourself. This is foundational. This really is an invitation to an extraordinary life.

So what exactly gets in the way of this extraordinary life? Pests. Erosion. Termites erode the foundation. Termites like mistrust, fear, and reactivity eat away at trust and erode the integrity of the foundation of our relationships.

For example, mistrust happens when social contracts are broken and neglected. You must heal your agreements with others, and start by trusting yourself first.

Lack of safety habitually haunts those of us familiar with traumatic events, thereby leading to exaggerated startle responses and over-reactive nervous systems create an uptight experience of the chapters of life.

3 things we can do

  1. We can learn to calm ourselves down in stressful situations.

2. We can, indeed, break the spells that bind us.

3. And we can rewrite the ending to this chapter of our lives.

pause. breathe. reset.

As I’m sitting here, I’m experiencing gratitude for my practice of Pause. Breathe. Reset. I’m so relieved to relax more fully into my tender heart. Even though it can seem scary as hell to not defend against the pain and suffering of the world.

And I’m so excited to share with you what I’ve learned on this extraordinary journey of resilience, compassion and service. I’m poised to share insights from my own addiction recovery, relational healing and contemplative practice.

Here are some touchstones of what we can do to trust more fully:

touchstones to trust

Be the prayer

Allow and commit to deep listening

Find your identity inside yourself

Be very honest, open, and straight with yourself

Learn compassionate self-control

Learn to contain your own energy

Cultivate inner contentment

If there is a choice, choose the positive

Identify your destiny and serve

Cultivate character, commitment, and grace

Balance yourself, so you don’t need to be compensated from the outside

Give up manipulation and control

When you want something , get clear, ask, be calm, and let it come

Develop a meditative mind to wait and see what comes to you

Receive what comes

Let go of what goes

Don’t chase after anything

Cultivate a tender heart of forgiveness

Develop a relationship with a working God that dwells and breathes within you

(thanks to Yogi Bhajan for inspiring these ideas)

here’s what’s next

Get support with a Daily Tracker to trust yourself to develop C.O.R.E. Compassion & Sign up for the email list if you haven’t already here

trust

Tune in to the monthly variety show: what matters most in relational health on the 2nd Saturday of the month at noon Pacific Time. Check out the emails for the most current Zoom link.

Join me in my Relational Health Masterclass Series starting next week. watch email for details and further inspiration.

let me know what landed for you…and why…email me at [email protected]

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Be a bright light to intimacy

How do you define intimacy? Deeply penetrating connection? Vulnerability? Passion? Release? Erotic Delight? Well, perhaps we can also consider defining it with this fun play on the word:

Intimacy= in-to-me-see

Monogamy and marriage weren’t in my plans as a teenager. This punk-rock-rebel was ready to change the world and had a different future in mind. Then I got sober at the age of 24 and the life of a Buddhist nun gained appeal. So I took Buddhist refuge vows and went on many solitary meditation retreats.

Then I met Marc, in graduate school at Naropa. And something shifted within me.

Here I am. Married for 18 years to this amazing man, I’ve had plenty of ups and downs regarding sex and intimacy. I come from a history of trauma and abuse and miraculously I don’t dwell in that echo chamber.

We are wounded in relationship, we are healed in relationship

Gratefully, today I have amazing sexual satisfaction and ever-expanding opportunities to stretch myself and release into passion and pleasure even more. (Full disclosure, I also have peri-menopausal roller coaster moments that impact my sexuality. With wholehearted presence to this transition in my life, we make it through the difficult moments; it’s both/and).

Believe it or not, being a bright light to intimacy starts with trusting myself to no longer abandon myself. In-to-me-see. If you want to hear more on this topic, tune in now to my interview on Dr. Nancy Moonstarr’s incredible show,  ‘A Man’s Guide To Intimacy.’ From her email:

Trust Yourself to No Longer Abandon Yourself

Amy interview, entitled, Trust Yourself to No Longer Abandon Yourself, suggests deep safety and trust begin with your own self’s behavior.  Sometimes “cutting” yourself  some slack is also involved because of such steep standards that may be impossible to maintain. 

Amy is so nakedly vulnerable as she helps men understand a woman’s need for reassurance and pause for a hug at delicate moments.  Her past experiences are brought into discussion for you to better understand your beloved. 

Amy is a bright light to the world of relationship building in the deepest living sense of being present. 

Breathing techniques are introduced for all to practice.  Breathing serves to soothe, neutralize and release unwanted tension.  Amy also adds a big view of how you may be inter-generationally impacting and healing the world. 

It’s not too late for healthy sexuality  

Please join me as I’m interviewed by a psychologist, Dr. Nancy Moonstarr along with 20 other experts as part of a series; A Man’s Guide To Intimacy – Open Her Up So She Tells You What She Wants. Together, we focus on men and offer secrets, tips and intimacy advice.  

This is an unusual series that allows deep penetration into the body, mind, heart, and soul.  This free series starts on November 11th, 2020. A day considered to be especially lucky in love! You can register for ‘A Man’s Guide To Intimacy’     

Whew, it’s been stretchy to do this interview, to send this email, to talk about a subject I was not raised talking about openly. My intention is to help anyone with healthy relationships. This particular interview is based on my experience as a heterosexual woman married to a man. I’m owning the fact that this is a heteronormative interview setting. I’m simultaneously acknowledging the reality that man/female sexual relations are not the only valid, normal, intimate relations.

Here’s to being stretchy and if this message helps one person, it is worth the effort! 

Warmly,

Amy E

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Chillax & Relax

chillax

My poetic words today, 4/20/20:

when I wait for the world to be just so

in order to take a nice deep breath

I generate my own suffering.

when I wait for my husband to do the next inspiring action

in order to take a confident step forward in my passions

I am generating my own suffering.

when I expect others to behave just so

I hold them up to such a high bar that invariably,

I generate suffering for them, as well.

when I release the stones of resentment from my heart

my presence automatically gives us all permission 

to breathe sweetly.

when I tend to the wisdom of my heart

my relationships thrive

even in the midst of pandemic & pandemonium.

when I cut myself some slack

my perfectionistic sensitivities chillax

and I no longer bristle when I hear the word, “relax”

May it be so.

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acts of fear = acts of violence

acts of fear

What do you do when a wave of fear washes over you?

How do you respond to the tsunami of life that crashes down sometimes? 

I take myself to the beach.
This act of loving kindness toward self
is a commitment.

A stretchy goal.
Five days in a row,
no matter what


You see, coming up this Friday I’ve got surgery

I’m dancing with my fear. 

I’m reclaiming my power. 

for when I’m scared, 
I tend to contract.
I push back.

I get angry.  

Instead of isolating, I 
Gotta get out of the house.

Instead of contracting,

I’m releasing the pinch.

And sharing my strengths here with you, because perhaps you feel the feelings of life intensely. 

and that’s okay

what if? 

Instead of holding it all together…

You allow yourself to Weep. Tears. Ample tears. Lotsa snot…

and instead of playing the look-good game…

you could honestly share your feelings with a trusted friend…

The invitation:

Release. Let go.

Feel the fear. Release the pinch. 

Turn towards others instead of curling up in fetal position. 

Trust yourself to not abandon yourself.

Focus on your part in the nightmare around you.

Do what you can to center yourself.

Repair your relationships.

Then do what you can to serve others.

Repeat. Have Faith that this is enough.

You are enough.